The BTW Ball lived up to all the hype. Sure, so Maria & I arrived at 2, hoping to catch a glimpse of Gaga, only to discover that she was already inside rehearsing :/ & I didn’t end up buying that gorgeous grey keyboard sweatshirt ($80!!!) , but it was all worth it. Even when we had to wait for almost an hour for the actual gig to start, and I was dying in my heels.

While we were queuing, this girl read out what I wrote on my left arm : ‘they can’t scare me’ – she seemed puzzled . It’s only complete with the other half of the quote , which was on my right arm : ‘if I scare them first.’  It may not be the deepest quote but it’s my favourite Gaga quote because it gives me confidence – it’s like, the other person is human too. Why should I be intimidated by them? Why should I feel inferior?

I honestly expected to burst into tears upon hearing Highway Unicorn, but surprisingly, it was Born This Way that made me tear up…and the tears fell when she gave a little speech before her acoustic rendition of Hair. THE LUCKY DUCKIES IN THE FRONT ROW BACKSTAGE PASSES, A BIRTHDAY SONG, BEING SINGLED OUT BY HER…GRR.

 They usually pick angmohs/mixed kids for these things …a mere coincidence or carefully planned, I don’t know, but I think that they ought to be a little more aware of the fact that this is a concert in Singapore and that we would like to see fellow Singaporeans get a chance to interact with their idols.

I can’t really tell you why I started crying. I guess it’s because I was painfully aware of my lack of self-love. Sometimes I think I’m awesome but most of the time I let people tell me who I am, spoken or not.  If they go on about how pretty some other girls are, I look at those girls, find them so-so, but convince myself that they must be prettier than me at least, because if they weren’t, why would people be talking about them? & then I go on to justify why my crush or eye-candy of the moment will never notice me because girls like that exist.

just FB-stalked some of those girls that were mentioned. I don’t understand, I really don’t, and it kills me because I don’t like the world when it’s like this. I don’t like thinking that my friends and I are gonna be alone because all the boys are busy lusting after ‘hot’ girls who all share similar characteristics and features – I swear, they all look alike somehow, give off the same vibe. an example from Google. Very typical photo you’d find on their FB profiles. Often taken in their bedroom. Or with their boyfriends hanging off them.

They have long wavy hair, you know, the kind they like to comb through with their fingers nonchalantly from time to time. They put on makeup. They have long legs. They’re kinda skinny. They wear tight-fitting tops and itsy bitsy shorts. Cleavage can be seen in quite a number of pics, hurray. They put on fake eyelashes or contacts sometimes. They make kissy faces. They pout and they lean forward when they pose so that you can enjoy a better view of their boobs.

Survival of the fittest, huh. Because these girls are making sure the rest of us die out, aren’t they? That’s what people want, so more will have to adapt in order to carry on. But I refuse. I know not all boys like girls like that. But it’s just so annoying when everyone puts these girls on a pedestal. Sometimes I think I should go around like Bubble Boy. Then I’ll never have to listen to people talk about everyone else.

You may argue that girls are equally superficial, if not more. True. Guilty as charged. But I’m easily won over by an interesting personality and chemistry. Sure the mean ones might say, pssh yeah of course, not like you’re much to look at anyway so obviously you’d have to have lower standards – you’re never gonna get the hot guy, don’t fret your little head over it.

I’d like to think that that’s not true. But I will stop here. Because I think it’s not nice to be known as the girl who only talks about why boys don’t like her all the time. Nobody will respect me for that.

I cried because Gaga is an amazing role model. She’s talented and she works really really hard.  But what I love most about her is the fact that she encourages women to be independent, and to put their career first. It’s not about the money, it’s about loving what you do, and enjoying life, even without a man by your side. Because a man CAN leave you. But if you build up a solid career, and you’re making money doing something you love, your life would be that much more fulfilling, right?

I know that I’ll still compare myself to the ‘perfect types’. I know that I’ll still look at other girls and wonder what it is they’ve got that I don’t.

But I have to constantly ask myself, what would Gaga say/do? I imagine, if I were to tell her my problems, she’d say : ‘You’re beautiful the way you are. Don’t worry about boys not liking you. Screw them all. Focus on who YOU want to be, FOR YOURSELF. DO WHAT YOU LOVE. ‘

Okay moving on to PUSEM. Missed the 1st two days thanks to the BTW Ball, so I felt really awful when I finally met my teammates. Told some of them the truth and they were understanding about it, so it’s all cool – I hope! haha. They’re a nice bunch, really welcoming and friendly, and I hope our friendship won’t fizzle out like it did with the PF people…

well um I got a lot of mosquito bites. haha. okay no la . that’s not important. I listened to speakers such as the HEAD OF ASIA PACIFIC, LEVI STRAUSS & CO. ! LEVI’S EH! LEVI’S!!!! :0 and the co-founder of Soyato. Then there was Mr Tay, who quit his job at 35 to backpack for 4 (?) years and is now the founder of Ground-Up Initiative. That’s him with some members of SG 5 and Bernard haha, cuz I asked him to join us.

 I had the opportunity to sit next to him at lunch, and I asked if he’d read The Art of Non-Conformity, because he reminded me of Chris Guillebeau.  He hadn’t ..so you see, we’re all connected somehow – we don’t have to be inspired by what someone has done to be able to do the same thing, if you get what I mean..?

On a superficial note I spotted the 1st cute guy yesterday and I kinda tried looking out for him, then as he was squeezing past my table, I think I kinda openly stared. I’m not very sure how long it was but I think I was my brain was processing the info, so it was like : ‘oh hey look cute guy in front of you wait he looks familiar could it be? oh wait maybe it’s not um or well…’ and then he sat down like sorta across me and talked to my teammates. I didn’t say hi though.

But these things are really up to fate, honestly. LIKE HOW I MET BO CHENG AFTER 4 YEARS IN A RANDOM SPANISH CLASS I TOOK UP ON A WHIM JUST BECAUSE IT WAS GOING CHEAP ON GROUPON…what are the odds?!!! Not that we talked – much. But still, the fact that he’s there. Creepy. So yeah if people are meant to come back into your life, they will, even if nothing happens when they do.

Someday I’m gonna have that meet-cute that’s gonna develop into a full plot and not end there, in the beginning. But till that day, I’m gonna remember that I CAN be strong without somebody there. & that I am not inferior to those girls everyone calls pretty or hot, because I’m Pearl Lin Jin and as Gaga said, I am amazing.

We all are.

I always thought that I had personality- I figured that if no one was gonna like me for my appearance, at least I’d win them over with that.

But yesterday it hit me that I’m always living for everyone else, & never for myself. I let my crush-of-the-moment occupy every thought, and let what others think of/say to/do to me affect me a lot. I do things like attend classes in an attempt to busy myself and ‘live life’, but in the back of my head I’m always thinking of something else, someone else.

I dream of being a celeb so that I can get attention from pretty much everyone. I suppose that’s pathetic.

Truth is,  maybe I don’t have much personality after all. Maybe all I am is an amalgamation of characteristics gleaned from each person I meet, experiences that shape me …things that I think I ought to be.

Just now Micah and Nick were talking about how it was pointless to date right now if you know it’s inevitably gonna end – and I said, well, what about just being in a relationship for the experience? & they laughed, like experience, what for, to level up?

Yeah well I know life’s not a competition where the girl with the most admirers/boyfriends will win some sort of trophy or achieve the highest level of self-satisfaction, but…somehow I believe that even dating the wrong guy is okay. At least I’d have been on a date. I say that, but I still refuse to go out with just anyone. Does that make me a hypocrite?

The guys I don’t mind dating don’t like me back. & it’s not like I receive offers anyway.

and we can take cheesy date pics like these…

I wouldn’t mind dating now and being with someone for a year, months even. At least I’d have some happy memories. My mind would be put to rest. I wouldn’t fear the future, knowing that at least I’d been loved once, and that someday I’ll love again. Instead of my current situation, constantly worrying if I will continue being passed over as an option- about as attractive to boys as the idea of going for a mani/pedi (no offense to the metrosexual types).

Is not being wanted by anyone better than being desired by many and ending up with some, only to have to move on to another in a while?

Micah brought up a point I’d been pondering that day – if each time you have a relationship, you share so many intimate things about yourself with that person, then when you break up …I don’t know, but. Well. I would feel slightly uncomfy knowing that out there is an ex who has seen certain things or well, knows my secrets and all.

What will be left of you, if you keep giving a part of yourself away each time?

I really have to try and find a way to truly focus on myself and find my own happiness, instead of relying on others for it.

On another note, why do I dance so badly? I try, but it’s so hard.

I’ve always wanted to be different, but in my attempts I always find that I’m never different enough.

In the midst of college apps for all my JC friends, I’ve started thinking a little more about where I really want to go. Every few months I change my mind, but I’ve always been firm about not going to Canada, Australia, the US or the UK.

Lorri was like whoa, that’s a lot of places you don’t like, and few that you do -  Taiwan, HK, China, France and Germany. That’s all…

So many people I know are studying abroad – there’s nothing wrong with staying here. But I guess everyone’s itching to get a taste of living on their own in a foreign land.

Well today I was telling Rebekah, so many people wanna do poli sci – I don’t want to do it anymore. Is there some obscure degree that I can get that no one would do? It’s not like I’m interested in politics anyway- just wanted to study in France.

But well, Le Havre may be cool and all, but the city isn’t really for me . I thought about it in terms of staying there long-term…and I realised that I am just too Asian. I love my rice- I can’t live without it. In HK I can stuff myself obese at all the char-chan-tengs. I Googled for dance schools in Le Havre. Got 1 or 2 results which did not look too appealing. In HK, there are so many schools offering dance classes, I felt excited just scrolling through the sites!

That’s another thing – in HK I have my relatives , and my parents can fly there anytime. I can visit my friends back home much more often than if I were to go to France. I can save money and use that money to go for classes or buy nice things for myself

Sure, I won’t be living the European life I envisioned for myself- but I’m Chinese and proud of it. I may not be leaving for someplace far away but if I’m lucky I can still do a semester at Sciences Po Paris!

At the very least, I’ve attended a class at Le Havre, right? haha.

Well, all that’s left now is to make sure I can get in!!!

can you say that you don’t want her anymore?

I have a common face :’( everyone always tells me that I look like their friend/ resemble someone they know. Even my personality seems equally interchangeable (sp?) with someone else’s.

Thing is, if I look like all those other girls, and those girls whom I apparently resemble all have boyfriends/guys after them, then my looks can’t be the reason why I repel boys. If it’s my personality, what is it specifically that keeps them away?

I don’t really like sharing stuff about myself face-to-face, but online I’m super open about many things – my insecurities, fears, hopes, random thoughts…maybe that’s why people have the misconception that I’m boring. But I like thinking that someday someone will find me endlessly fascinating,and will want to know every little thing about me.

At the very least I suppose I’ve ‘levelled up’ now, in Simspeak, Pearl can now ‘initiate conversation’ and ‘eat together’ and ‘hang out’ without being an awkward jellyfish. I’m no longer that shy and self-conscious around guys anymore, and I’m trying to understand them more, so that I can answer my own questions – so far I have nothing conclusive. Just that looks really help. Which goes back to, explain why girls who aren’t necessarily very pretty still have admirers…no clue.

I can’t help but compare myself to everyone else all the time, and seeing people on FB posting about where they’ve been accepted makes me feel sorry for myself – like I don’t know where I want to go or what I want to do anymore, like it’s not gonna be enough anyway. I know it’s probably because I’m a lazy bum who lacks drive. All I do is sit and dream and act like I know what’s going on.

The best way to find out what you’re meant to do is to think of something you could do all day and not be sick of. & I don’t know, really. I like talking about myself. I’m narcissistic that way. Reality TV star?

I wrote another song for E.T again…I don’t think I even really like him anymore. Guess I’m just clinging on to the fact that he was the last guy I really ‘liked’. Then I thought about someone else and how we shared a great convo and interests, but nothing happened.

I think I’ve slowly come to accept the fact that while I shouldn’t stop trying, I’m still never gonna be what guys want.

Sounds like some kind of tragedy – like a girl on a quest to fulfill her last wish, but it’s proving near impossible, and eventually she’s satisfied with a set-up granting of her wish, a compromise of sorts, like well we couldn’t get anyone to fall in love with you for real, but to make you happy before you go, here’s a nice date and a pretend-admirer-for-a-night. Have fun!

Is this all I ever think about? A lot of the time. It’s why I’m not successful – I’m channeling my energy into the wrong things, but I’m powerless to stop it. Like a dog chasing its own tail, that’s what it is…destined to keep going round and round in circles, trying to find the solution to my problem, only to die of exhaustion in the end.

Ma just doesn’t get it. She’s always unhappy that I keep wanting to be liked. But I don’t know why I need this acknowledgement so much, like I can’t do all my stuff in peace when there’s no one there but my family to cheer me on, think I’m beautiful and awesome, and all that cheesy crap.

Maybe it’s a disorder – the Hopeless Romantic Syndrome . Not desperate. I hate that word. Though I fear it’s what I’m slowly becoming.  

Okay so I wasted a good hour doing personality/love quizzes on Blogthings. But I like thinking that the results I get are somewhat accurate. Apparently, according to a few quizzes, I’m compassionate and feel deeply for others. I’d like to make the world a better place. & I’m not as much of an introvert as I thought I always was.  & I’m supposed to be confident,  but I’m not, especially when I dance. It’s been said.

Anyway, been stalking people and seeing where they’re all off to for college, what they plan to major in. I keep joking that maybe I should just move to Hollywood and work my way up from a Chinese waitress to a proper actress. Or maybe I ought to go to Taiwan and try to enter the entertainment industry.

I mean, at least that’s not something every other person I know is planning to do.  But I don’t intend to starve – unless I’m really sure that I’ll succeed, I’ll play it safe and get some practical degree.

I’m starting to get really annoyed by my cousin. He’s 10 but he acts like he’s 6. He just sits there and plays games all day, or kicks a football around, or pummels a teddy…with the TV on. He only does his homework at like 10, 11pm , and even then it’s not like he’s using much brainpower to get it done..he just sloppily completes it, on the floor or the sofa. He never reads anything. It’s just play, play, play all day.

Honestly…and he makes so much noise. Whatever he says is never meaningful, often they’re just weird screechy sounds or mangled sentences and made-up words.

I just…I mean, I’m similar to my 3 cousins in Ottawa in some ways, and my not-so-little cousin in Perth too. We’re all girls who love reading, quirky things, volunteering, and living life the way it ought to be lived – free and easy, the way we want to.

I really don’t like it when people laze about all day with no real purpose in life, and have no absolute goals or dreams – or worse, no personality.

Bland people often have a lot of friends/admirers though, and I always wondered if it’s because they blend in (bland, blend… geddit) easily -  I mean, you’re like play-doh, and these people mold you into whatever they’d like you to be – and you DO have the ability to be shaped in any way. So everyone likes you.

The guys were telling me about this supposedly high-profile girl that many guys are going after. How does one get to that status? Of being known across schools? They say it’s because she’s really pretty but I’ve seen prettier. Maybe she’s outstanding, like our SN girls. I don’t know her. Can’t say.

Then my friend told me about how he fell in love at first sight with this girl I sorta-know, a friend of a friend.

I started getting all pessimistic again after that. These girls don’t even have to try and they have boys falling at their feet. I could be standing on the street with a neon sign flashing : ‘SINGLE’ and the only things swarming around me would be flies.

The adults tell me, ‘don’t worry, you’re still young. Wait a couple more years, then you’ll have to fend boys off with a bat!’

oh really. Will you tell me I’m still young when I’m 25 and haven’t been on a date? 6 years go by quickly – it seems like not long ago that I became friends with Justine and Maria.

I need to get out there more.

I am fighting against the inflexibility of Singaporeans and their absolute refusal to bend rules, even out of moral compassion. Okay fine, I’m being over-dramatic. But honestly, you can’t expect to treat me like a prisoner, and refuse to grant me some time off.

The fact that I’m writing to you this early shows that I have no intention of lying to you and faking illness or a relative’s death.

It’s not allowed, it’s been that way for over 30 years…

well if people never allowed for change and flexibility, our society would be sadly stagnant.

I’m a firm believer that you have to fight for what you think is right, and I am going to be very honest here.

All I ask for is a few hours. A few pathetic hours.

I had no idea that I was so influential. That my absence would impact my teammates deeply, that it would shake the entire core of the event and cause the pillar of objectives to crumble into absolute nothingness.

I’m just going to be absent during dinnertime and one measly discussion, or a late-night gossip session!

Am I being unreasonable? I compromised. I asked to just please, leave at 6 even, and be back before midnight.

I didn’t say oh may I skip 2 days, or leave at 2pm?

WHY ARE SINGAPOREANS SO DAMN INFLEXIBLE?

ALL OF YOU CHASE AFTER PAPER, MONEY, WHAT YOU THINK DEFINES SUCCESS…BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? YOUR INABILITY TO EMPATHISE AND ACCEPT ALTERNATIVE PATHS MAKES YOU A SAD BUNCH. I DON’T CARE IF YOU HAVE A 10-DOLLAR VOCABULARY AND YOU EARN A 6-FIGURE SALARY.

YOU’RE NOT ABLE TO JUST MAKE TEENSY WEENSY EXCEPTIONS THAT WOULD BRING ABSOLUTELY NO HARM TO YOUR CAUSE. NO HARM. AT. ALL.

I know you tried being polite to me. I’m grateful for that.

But this, this is within your control. You & I know that.

It’s not in the hands of someone higher up, it’s in YOUR hands.

You just won’t give in. But I don’t want to give up either.

I’m sorry. But I’m fighting for this.

People who fight for what they want may get bruised, they may suffer, or they may die, but in the end they are respected, and they’re the ones who will be remembered.

on an unrelated note,

I really do not like hearing that others have the same goals as I do. Especially when they have the exact same ambitions. It’s true that there are only so many degree courses and only so many countries Singaporeans would want to go to, but why the exact same field and the exact same location?

Perhaps it’s mere paranoia, or just a feeling that my uniqueness has been robbed from me.

But I can’t possibly give up on my dream just because someone else is dreaming of the same thing, can I? That would be stupid.