at least they’re not lonely…
haha. old song. just thought of it.
Anyway today (vocal lessons) I couldn’t get past my la-ti-dos without using my head voice as usual, for fear of my voice cracking.
So my teacher asked how old I was turning, and said that girls are usually self-conscious at this age. Then she asked if I had ever been in love. & I said no.
It’s true, girls who have been in love or are in love are somehow different. Like in a 30 Rock episode, Liz suddenly got more male attention when she was attached.& Sharmila told me about how her friend seems more confident and open and now has some kind of a …glow.
My teacher said they are less self-conscious. And basically, a lot of my ‘failures’ stem from the fact that I can’t stop thinking about what people think about me. I can reach those notes. I can sing. I can act, or dance.
I know I can. It’s just, with people there, somehow I feel awkward. Sometimes it’s okay, though. Anyway…my teacher said she used to be really shy around guys too.
But the thing is…I have no idea why all these guys don’t see anything in me. I know it’s something I’ve rehashed so many times but it really gets to me, especially when Lorri sends me something like:
‘Ooh, I just noticed that there are couples everywhere, young, older. When will it be our turn?’
Instant deja vu, because I’m pretty sure she sent me something like that back in Sec 3 as well.
me: ‘uh..I don’t know sigh. perhaps the more we think about it the more it avoids us.’
Lorri: ehh, maybe it’s not like we’re unattractive and dull ppl…right?
AND I JUST GOT SO ANNOYED. the ‘right’ was just unnecessary.
maybe back then I would have indulged in a mini session of self-pity but not right now.
I. NEVER. THOUGHT. OF . MYSELF. AS. DULL.
I always thought that even if I didn’t have the looks, I had the personality, and way more than many attached girls, if I may say so. & now, I don’t think I’m that bad after all. In terms of everything.
Which is why I don’t understand why not a single guy likes me. I don’t even get the ‘random dude on train who asks for your number’ thing. Nope. Zero interest from every single male who crosses my path.
I’m not expecting people to fall head over heels in love with me the instant they meet me, but you’d think that by now, at 18, surely at least ONE dude would think : hey, actually, Pearl’s a pretty nice girl. Wish I knew her better.
ah but nope. & so try as I might to busy myself with other activites (all perfectly legal and educational) , I still find myself searching for the one thing I’m lacking.
Each time I bring it up with my mum she gets annoyed and tells me to focus on other things, and says well, get a boyfriend and stay here for the rest of your life then. I don’t think she knows the pain of being 18 and not having been liked by anyone. No one really does, unless you’re one of us. You just think it’s some trivial little teenage matter. Well it isn’t, not when you’re surrounded by articles on stuff to do as couples or how to flirt in mags such as Seventeen.
But what I mean is not ‘why don’t I have a boyfriend?’ it’s more like, ‘why can’t any guy see that I’m someone interesting to be with?’ . So I put it all down to a simple lack of chemistry. Maybe to them, interesting is a Twilight fangirl who whacks their arm and laughs at their jokes.
if it’s just because I don’t smile, well…
just not meant to be with anyone for now, I guess.