I was in it to win it, but not anymore.

A rant again

 

past few weeks, I’ve been thinking about how dead I feel. Told Ma and just about anyone who asked that my heart’s not in this anymore. It never was 100%, but I thought things would get better. I guess I’d imagined my 3 years to go by smoothly, but no.

As each day passes I am acutely aware of my increasing mediocrity – and if I’m not careful I know that the bottom is where I’m headed. My fear is that that is where I belong, so it’s only natural that I should be ambling down that path of self-destruction. A huge part of me wants to fight it, it’s screaming : No Pearl, you’re meant to be at the top! Whatever happened to that girl who dreamt of being the best in everything she wanted to be the best in? But then reality stamps ‘REJECTION’ on my forehead time and time again, and I get so worn out that I want to say ‘okay, I get the hint, I belong in the reject pile. Thank you.’

First, academics again. I came to poly thinking I could do well. I guess I over-estimated myself. I really didn’t want to do As, anyway. But the first disappointment I had came in the form of a B. And then I applied to be part of SPOT, only to be rejected because – well, I suspect my math and science grades must have been a turn-off. Applied for Dip-Plus in Theatre Performance & Production, got rejected. (But that turned out to be a blessing in disguise ,which I will talk about later.) A couple of Cs and many many Bs later, I’m still an average student – or worse, I may be below average for all I know. I didn’t come hoping to be average. But I still am.

Next, extra-curricular stuff. Joined a few clubs, let myself slack, thinking if they could be so lax about CCA, so could I. Big mistake, apparently. Tried out for Student Exchange sub-comm when I realised the error of my ways, got in, only to be secretly kicked out this year along with the rest of my fellow members. Oh wait, best part…no points for being in sub-comm, even for those brief 2, 3 months or so. Represented SP in PESA last year, didn’t even get past the preliminary stage. Great.  Went for a photoshoot, photo wasn’t even in the brochure, but the prospectus. Tried out for another photoshoot this year, didn’t get selected while everyone else did. Applied for the LEAP@Kota Kinabalu trip to fulfill my NYAA adventurous journey requirement, was told that since I’m not an active member of any club, my chances of going are slim.

Fantastic. Does my poly life sound like crap to you so far? It sounds pretty damn sad to me.

Since I know I’m not supposed to be so goddamn negative I will think of all the good things that happened instead.

…I got to go to Japan with Mercy Relief. Which was only possible because I was in Dip-plus in Humanitarian Affairs, which wasn’t the Dip-plus I had originally intended to join.

Because of this Dip-plus, I also got to meet some ABE people, which is awesome, because the other Dip-Plus has mostly CASS (or wait, is it all) students.  Sticking to ‘your own kind’ and having a let’s-enjoy-our-own-little-world-for-we-are-different mentality isn’t healthy, so I’m really happy to have made new friends there . I know my mind tends to drift off in class sometimes, but I’ve always wanted to make a difference in the world, and Mercy Relief gives us opportunities to, so…yeah.

Well, besides that, I guess I’ve also had some fun along the way. My friends are nice and I don’t feel like I’m just ‘tagging along’ anymore.

But well, that’s just it. Besides being more socially stable and having the once-in-a-lifetime chance to go on a relief mission to Japan, I can’t really recall much else that has made going to poly worth it. For someone like me, who bases their self-worth on achievements, not having any really makes me feel lousy. Like I’m wasting my life. I collect each certificate, award, or grade as a testament to my abilities and value as a person. I know it’s bad to do that. Still, I’m constantly battling these feelings. I swing from one extreme to another – sometimes I want to go downhill, and sometimes I think that I’ve got to fight my way back up again.

I went for my first Campus 4 lesson last week and thought I was going to humiliate myself in there. There’s a dude whom I suspect is gay, who speaks fluently, and he’s like the only one who can talk to the teacher casually- in French. But the rest aren’t exactly fumbling, either. At least I know Clement, so it’s less awkward, but still, I really need to brush up on my conversational skills and grammar.  Speaking of Clement, he’s planning to take the DELF B2 this December, and I told him I might too. I’m just afraid of the oral bit – again. Plus B2 (Junior) was already so hard that I didn’t finish it. 😦

I guess I always think of French and German as the things which make me feel a little better about myself, but when my friends tell me about their classes too, I realise that maybe there’s nothing to feel better about after all. It’s not as though I can speak both languages fluently, although by right I ought to be able to, for French at least. Most people are impressed by a short self-intro anyway, they’re always like, ‘oh you learn French? say something!’ and I’m like, ‘uh I don’t know…what do you want me to say? Give me a sentence and I’ll translate it.’

and then they say ‘um, talk about yourself?’ so I give them what I memorised for my oral exams a long time ago – ‘Je m’appelle Pearl, J’ai dix-huit ans. Je suis une etudiante. Je suis nee a 2 Decembre 1993. ‘ 4 simple sentences and voila, people go wow. At least there was a time back in SN when Christine asked me what ‘he looks like a potato’ or ‘you look like a potato’ was…. ‘il ressemble un (? or une…?) pomme de terre’…

sometimes I fear people won’t believe me, and it’s random to suddenly say ‘oh I learn French too’ , so I just shut up. No point, anyway. Maria said it was cool that I was learning both languages, and I said yeah, and useful too, for the future. But now I’m not sure what that future is anymore…what if, despite knowing these languages, I’m still at a loss?

I used to be so sure.

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