why do my good and bad days alternate?

honestly.

When it’s a good day, the next day will be a bad one. At least it sure feels like it right now.

Not in the Top 20 for the Uniqlooks contest. fine. That’s what I dress like, and I’m not gonna try and change my style just so that it fits your idea of ‘fashionable and stylish’…and please, people like Joshua Ong just donned a simple jacket and a shirt, if you picked him (yes, you, Holly Grabarek, Felicia Chin, Trey Wong and the other judges) then well…I suppose it says a lot about the definition of ‘stylish’ here in Singapore.

So no trip to New York, no cover/six-page spread in Catalog magazine. No vouchers, even. Pfft.

Yesterday was a good day, I suppose. Free lunch (ha!) and dinner at the Istana. Lawn.

My first time there!

It’s seriously huge, it’s a great place to take a leisurely stroll in the evenings.

Anyway I saw Mr Fred! Asked him how he was…

Dinner was a quick affair. I was really nervous, so I kept repeating myself.  And whenever I thought it was safe to eat, the lady beside Mrs. Nathan (I can’t remember who she was, actually come to think of it, she didn’t tell me who she was anyway) would ask me something and I would have to chew really quickly, say ‘sorry’ and reply.

Pity, quite a lot of food went untouched. Only Mdm Eng, a renowned architect, and I stayed behind after Mrs. Nathan left, determined to finish our main course. We ended up talking. Her daughter is reading law at Oxford right now.

On the way home, I was thinking of something I actually wanted to blog about long ago but never did. I actually wrote a diary entry on it before… it’s basically about the struggle between being ‘good’ and ‘bad’.

Like I mentioned before, I used to think dyed hair and nail polish = lian. I was even against the idea of piercings. Then I started thinking eyebrow and nose piercings were cool, but I knew I’d never be able to stand the pain of getting them.

Anyway, I first got ear piercings, which weren’t so bad. And then I highlighted my hair. Started going for manicures and putting on bright coloured nail polish. Decided to dye my hair light brown, which came out way lighter than I expected and cost me a photoshoot, if what I suspect is right.

I think people probably looked at me and judged me the way I used to judge others, too. & I didn’t mind much, because I knew I was merely expressing myself. I certainly didn’t want to continue looking like a nerd for the rest of my life.

But after last night, I started thinking that perhaps it’s time I decide who I really want to be. I tried to figure out a balance, but I wasn’t sure what it might be. Surely a girl can dress in Gaga-esque outfits and still be taken seriously?

There is one star above all the others whom I would love to emulate, and that would be Emma Watson. She’s beautiful, she’s grounded, she’s intelligent and classy. She is that girl.

So I’m back to black (actually, dark brown and light under the sunlight, I insist) for my hair…I think I wasn’t selected for the CASS photoshoot because of my dyed hair. Plus, I couldn’t possibly have met Mrs. Nathan with half-dark-half-light hair.

More examples of my ‘wild side’ vs. ‘serious side’ struggle…sometimes I flirt with the idea of not going to college, and just jumping straight into my career, whatever that may be.(see the danger? )

But then the other side of me thinks that is the most ludicrous idea EVER, and that my standards have just reached a whole new low. From dreams of Oxford to being merely a Diploma holder. Laughable, almost.

Sometimes all I want to read are tabloids and fashion mags, light-hearted stuff to do with entertainment.

But then I think about how this is not what intellectuals read, and in my desperate desire to be one, I’ll pull out a proper book instead.

It’s not that I want to put on an act or anything. Honestly sometimes I wonder if I should perhaps be resigned to the fact that I will always be less than what I want to be, and that I cannot be an intellectual, as much as I feel like I need to be one.

It’s like, some people give off instant brainiac vibes. Me, I even got asked yesterday by an ITE staff if I used to be a student of theirs before going to SP. To which I hastily went, ‘Oh no no no’, and wondered immediately after if that was one ‘no’ too many.

Today the newspaper featured the Humanist Society again. I brought it up once more, but my parents still won’t let me join. They didn’t scold me, but they said there wasn’t a need to meet up with like-minded people, because then it would be akin to a sort of religion, and might produce extremists. I insisted that the people seemed safe and fine, and that the youngest member was 19, but still. Couldn’t convince them enough. Another ‘wild side’ idea, I might just rebel and join – or not. I don’t know. Maybe just be a member in name but not turn up.

Yet another ‘identity crisis’ of sorts…on one hand I yearn to be a famous celeb, on the other I think that working for the UN is really cool. Then again as a celeb you can always be an Ambassador or something, like Angelina Jolie or Selena Gomez. Like most people, what I want to do depends on the ‘Topic Of Interest At The Moment’.

Like Maria told me that day, she might do Finance. It’s stable. And well, for me, the TOIATM is evolution, and for a brief moment I thought that I would like to perhaps study genetics or biology…until I realised that I was being stupid. I suppose I can pursue it in my free time, but as a major, definitely not.

Like Mdm Eng was telling me about her daughter, she has too many interests. I wish I loved dance or music to the point where I know I wouldn’t be able to live without it.

Argh some people are just effortlessly cool. 😦

 

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