mix the words up with the actions, do it all for your reaction

man, I used to love Skye Sweetnam so much back when I was 12. I thought 16 was pretty old back then, and she seemed so cool and different. Pity she wasn’t really that popular here. 😦 and I can’t even find her 2nd album in stores.

Anyway. It’s so strange that I’m the ‘other me’ now, the one I’ve always considered to be my true self. People think that it’s poly that has made me so much more open and cheery, but actually I think it’s the pain that I went through in SN that made me this way.

I remember going for FOC and telling myself, you HAVE to make friends, Pearl, if not you’re gonna be damn miserable. So I forced myself to talk, to approach people, and to smile.

I mean I used to sit around moping about how nobody bothered to get to know me, and now, looking back, I was just such an idiot. I made myself unhappy for 4 years.

It’s strange, the old me would have balked at the idea of just talking to guys, let alone asking them if they want to eat together. Which I did, like twice! Yay, a pat on the back for being such a brave girl.

But I’m still very much lame around certain people. 2 extremes, either I become really loud and hyper or I keep to myself and stone. Sometimes I just want to thwack myself and tell myself to stop being such an awkward idiot but I can’t.

At least I can speak properly, you know, and not squeak or speak with an Exorcist-esque rasp. It happens when I’m really nervous. & then yes, I knock things over and go ‘OMG I’M SORRY! SO SORRY! ‘ .

BUT ALL THAT IS IN THE PAST NOW!

You know what ?

I guess there’s nothing wrong with people finding out you like them. Well unless you’re really some kind of grotesque creature but I think I have enough confidence to say that I’m not.

Sure it’ll be awkward as hell. & sure, that person isn’t gonna like you back. (unless you’re lucky, but stuff like this doesn’t even really happen in movies – the girl usually falls for THE RIGHT ONE, as opposed to the GUY SHE THOUGHT SHE WANTED)

But if it were me, I’d take it as a compliment, and I’d go around being pleased that someone thinks I’m cool.

oh right. I finished Brida. It’s weird. I don’t really like Paolo Coelho’s style of writing. MY HEART STILL BELONGS TO CARLOS RUIZ ZAFON, PAOLO GIORDANO AND THOMAS MANN, when it comes to writing!

But yes it did get me thinking about Soulmates, and how beautiful the concept is. That we were all split into half, doomed to search the Earth for our other half over many incarnations.

It’s tragic too, that it is possible that we may never meet our Soulmate in our lifetime.

But I wanna believe that he’s out there, in this life, and that we’re gonna find each other somehow.

I did ask my friends before, would you want to be truly happy and in love, even if it’s just for a short while, or would you rather just stay away from love and wait for someone you’ll eventually settle down with?

Honestly, even if I had only one afternoon to spend with someone I really really liked, I’d do it, and I’d keep that memory forever.

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2 thoughts on “mix the words up with the actions, do it all for your reaction

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