but if this was a movie; you’d be here by now.

another rant 😦

Need frequent trips to Kino. Each time I go there, I remember just how many more books I have to read, how many things I have left to learn, and what I have to do with my life.

Why do I waste my time thinking of the stupidest things when I should be busy studying verb conjugations, working on my grammar, or figuring out how to write a melody for my lyrics? Reading up on evolution, sketching some design, I don’t know, anything but sitting here and doing nothing. 😦

I just wish I had the self-discipline to take my pain and use it as motivation to succeed.

That day I stood in front of the mirror and gave myself a silent pep talk. I told myself that I was awesome and someday someone will see that. He’s gonna notice my freckles, he’s gonna find me cool as I am, and he’s gonna think I’m pretty even when I look like a complete dork.

Sharmila scolded me for not trying hard enough. But honestly, if it’s meant to be, why would I need to try?

How many more times do I have to sit down and listen to people trade stories of sweet confessions and anecdotes of being hit on without having one of my own in exchange?

I smile and say ‘omg you’re damn lucky’, and demand to hear more, though I know it’ll make me feel worse. I’m a masochist.

No matter which me I present myself as, I’m still not the right one for anyone.

While my friends have actual things to be excited about, I relate my pathetic interactions in hopes that I’ll be able to over-analyse something and wonder vaguely if the guy showed any interest at all.

& in the end, nothing ever happens.

Usually I find a dealbreaker so I get over the crush in a second, after weeks of daydreaming about and writing blog posts/lyrics for them.

Sometimes I think, maybe Ching Peng’s jokey comment a year ago was right. I want a girl, not a guy.

But well. I constantly joke about going to SDU events too. Cept now I think it’s not called SDU. but yeah. Single Desperate and Ugly ….so goes that old joke. Anyway they do some pretty cool stuff like sushi-making. But I think the people there might be a bit too old.

I constantly entertain the idea of falling in love on holiday, but it’s hard since I’m always with my parents. I’ll be sure to smile the next time I get a cute waiter or a cute stranger goes ‘konnichiwa’ though, and maybe yell a local greeting back.

I don’t think flirting should be the only way to show your interest. It’s kinda showing that you’re physically attracted to that person, but I’d really much rather be trapped in the lift with someone for hours, and get to know everything about them in that period of time. I think it’s romantic when you’re forced together under certain circumstances and you end up finding out pretty much what they’re all about.

The lines 17 and Sharmila tell me…seriously, I find them too embarrassing to say out loud. But apparently they work.

I’ll never change who I am for anyone, though.

I was just telling my mum last night, that I still have so many things to do, & I think she knows that I mean what I say. I’m going to pass my NAPFA this Thursday, go up Mount Kinabalu, & come back down knowing that I can do anything.

Even if I don’t get my NYAA in the end, at least I’d have some meaningful experiences to be proud of.

That night in Desaru, I was about to leave when I bumped into JP, and she asked me to stay. I was like, heck, you only live once right, and since she goes clubbing, she oughta know how to have fun!

So I danced awkwardly and watched couples go at it Dirty Dancing-style in fascination. I realised that the scene is really not my thing.  That sort of dancing is not my style, the guys there aren’t my type…maybe I won’t step into one after all?

So, other experiences I have in mind…volunteering abroad with Rebekah next year perhaps, tandem skydiving with Jaimie (??? not too sure bout this) …

Another thing, I’m glad more people are receptive to the idea that we’re in control of our own lives.



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