When will you realise, baby, I’m not like the rest

Been listening to Give Your Heart A Break by Demi Lovato on repeat.

She’s my fave Disney star, mostly because I think she has the best voice. She was also bullied before and she’s really honest about her problems. So yeah…

So, finally met Brenda today. We went to 2 cool little indie cafes, Group Therapy & Pigeonhole. I’d love to be indie really, and trawl Ann Siang Hill/Haji Lane and wherever else every week, but somehow I just can’t be bothered to.

Just ate and drank and talked. About school and friends, mostly. When I bemoaned the fact that I was turning the ripe old age of 18 soon with no suitors (suitors is such an old-fashioned term. admirers?) , she said maybe it was because I’m not meeting the right kind of guys. She was like, ‘Maybe if you tried NUS or something…’

Well maybe it’s the AB blood talking, but I think that I’m often two things at the same time. I don’t know.

Older guys (fine, men) are appealing because they’re like a glimpse of the future, sorta. I don’t know anything about the workforce, so through them, it’s like getting to know what adulthood will be like. That’s why I like going for language classes outside of school, because I get to know adults from all walks of life.

It’s true that there may be certain things I cannot join the conversation in, but still, it’s nice to delude myself into thinking that I am mature enough to pass for company. But these classes are good places to make friends and who knows, contacts (for work, perhaps) …not for anything romantic. Simply because everyone is at least a good 5,6 years older, save for…2 or 3 guys, and I hardly talk to them anyway.

Younger guys (okay okay, boys) …are immature, I guess. & I don’t know any. I like little boys, but obviously not in a paedophilic sense! But I think guys from the age of 13-18 are probably happy just being boys, y’know? Having fun and all, cracking sick jokes and lacing their sentences with innuendoes…

I was wondering if my piano teacher was a mind reader, cuz she was talking to me about life and trying to convince me to practise more, & she mentioned how ‘boys will whisper sweet nothings, and you’ll be distracted’ and I gave her my ‘oh-if-only-you-knew’ look and went, ‘Well I’ve never had that” and she was like ‘Ah.’

Then while I was playing and thinking about it, she suddenly said, ‘Oh, about boys, by the way, just remember…know your worth.’

I was like ‘okay….is she psychic or something?’ .

I know my worth. It just kills me that no guy does, that everyone thinks that some other girl is everything : prettier, smarter, cuter, nicer, funnier…every guy sees something in every other girl.

I don’t want to focus on it so much, I really don’t, but I can’t help it. It’s the romantic in me that won’t die. As much as I wish I could be immune to all this, and just be blissfully asexual, I can’t. I love the idea of love too much.

As I was watching One Day with Sharmila that day (which, by the way, didn’t live up to my expectations) , I wondered if I would ever love like that – or be loved with such intensity. I feel like I’m somewhat similar to Emma Morley, but I don’t have a Dexter Mayhew to tell me that I’m gorgeous the way I am, and that if he could give me just one gift for the rest of my life, it’d be confidence. Either that or a scented candle.

On a related note, about confidence…sometimes people make snarky comments near me. I’ve always wondered how some people can be so tactless. Honestly, if you wanna make a mean comment, save it for later, when I’m not around.

Like when I went for a trek at Macritchie with Brian, Alvin, Yiyan and Joshua, we saw the TP female dragonboaters’ team (or whatever they were) and Joshua and Brian started talking about hot girls from other polys. Then I think Brian said that ‘SP’s girls are the least hot among the 5 polys’ and Joshua laughed and went ‘you didn’t say that loud enough’ or something.

I was talking to Yiyan, who didn’t seem to hear it, but I did, and it hurt. So fine. I’m not tanned and fit. I’m not the girl guys find pretty. But jibes like that, seriously…I hate it when guys talk about how hot/pretty some other girl is in front of me. It’s not that I’m jealous, I don’t care if the girl truly IS  pretty, but the problem is that most of the time the girl is really UGH!

Which annoys me so much, because I wanna scream at them for being blind and having a warped definition of ‘hot/pretty’.

I want to throw myself into work, and just be busy, but this unresolved issue of not being liked haunts me everyday.

I promised myself that I would give my heart away to the first guy who is able to see my worth. It’s actually a rather dangerous thing to say. But I have faith that a guy who is able to appreciate me and is brave enough to say it to my face can’t be all that bad, and will be worth giving a chance to.

Maybe I’m the kind of person who will only have one love in her lifetime – or worse, none.

It scares me, and I am desperate, but not desperate enough to let go of my pride and settle for just anyone. A girl like me shouldn’t have to chase anyone, or go around flirting with guys. Flirting …is it really necessary? 😦 It all seems so superficial, to show interest by teasing, dropping compliments and making physical contact. 

Strange, strange.

 

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