& I wanna live, not just survive, tonight.

sigh stalking efforts have not paid off.

Sure, initially all I wanted was a name to put to that face. & then opportunity came along, so I ended up with a number, address & an IC number. Yes I am a Class 1 stalker, if it isn’t obvious enough. But honestly, what can I do with these? Nothing.

If I were some creepy guy, maybe. I mean I guess this kind of thing isn’t so bad for guys. My friend’s friend gave her number to a guy who liked her and he just started pestering her all the time. Guys can flood girls with ‘i like you i like you i love you x 100’ and other nauseating messages but girls can’t do that. Besides, I can’t stand people like that.

He does make my heart skip a beat, and I feel my cheeks burning up whenever he passes by. The first few times, I didn’t even dare look at him – and the stalker picture Siqi took was not very clear, so I assumed he wasn’t as cute in real life…wrong. He’s really cute.

So he’s not the most eloquent speaker, as we’ve come to discover, and the only other thing we know is that he’s of a different faith, but…I don’t know, there’s something about him that I like, I guess.

Maybe it’s the fact that whenever we see him he’s alone, waiting for someone, and I like guys who are alone because they seem more vulnerable and thus approachable. Not that I’d ever dare approach him. I did promise that I’d speak to him the next time, but I chickened out. 😦

& I’ve been trying to get info from friends, because I seem to have a few friends who have friends who know him, but they’re too busy with other stuff to bother about something as trivial and hopeless as this.

Saw him yesterday, but obviously he just walked past me. He wandered off somewhere alone, & then stopped to talk to a coursemate after. Pity, I’ve never talked to that person so I can’t ask her anything. They seemed pretty close, I guess. & then he left with another girl.

It’s easier to assume he’s attached than to hope he’s not, because that kills the crush faster.

He’s graduating…& then there’s NS.

Yup, it’s hopeless.

Watched 那些年,我们一起追的女孩 that day with Jessica & Jiangping.

It was really sweet, and I didn’t hate the female lead, though all 5 guys were after her like in some shoujo manga. Still I felt like the ‘best friend’…the ‘invisible’ one, always in her shadow, but successful once she’s older. & then of course I cried, because they could have been together. I also cried because I wished I could be her. 

Today I joined a queue at Oxham Market at Ann Siang Hill out of curiosity. Most girls there were dressed similarly, in shorts and little brown strappy backpacks, with sandals, and boyfriend shirts/ Jap/Korean style outfits. I looked at them and wondered again, what it was about all of them that made at least one guy out there go gaga, when all of them looked nearly identical.

That day a fortune teller came over to our house, & said I’d be like Ma. I would be successful but constantly exhausted, and take after her in terms of temper. & I was like oh man…because as much as I’d like to be like my mother, when she blows up she’s seriously damn scary.

Sigh but at least she had lots of admirers back then. She always argues that it’s because she was from a small town, whenever I bring that up. Like Shen Jia-Yi, I guess. But…

I would try not to stress about it too much, but I can’t help it. They say nothing’s more attractive than a girl who leads her own life and is involved in things she likes, and I’m doing all these things, signing up for new activities and experiences, and yet…

if I’m just not meeting the right people then where ARE the right people?

sigh yes I have an unhealthy obsession with love. 😦 Okay I am prepared to go for SDU events. I’m serious. 😦

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