A letter I wrote to my 18 year old self when I was 11

I’ve seen how first love changes people. Now my friend is far gone. She skipped my birthday and hasn’t apologized or explained. I think it’s because of a certain boy.If I’m wrong, then I hope she says something soon. That’s what love does to you. It messes you up & changes you, & you start living in a bubble where it’s just you two.

Which is why, when I was 11, I wrote this rule down: when in love, be in control of yourself. Of course, ironically, I’ve yet to fall in love, but otherwise, it’s a rather good piece of advice. I actually wrote a short letter to my 18-year-old self, in which I assumed I was dating..Ah found it. Rather amusing read. I will type it out, embarrassing as it is, for anyone who is reading this :

Career & education are the 2- no, wait, family & religion- these four are the main aspects of my life. Romance can come in later. 2 reminders for my 18 year old self though. I don’t know if 7 years later i’ ll be reading this. But I have my diary- the one written in when I was 4- which hardly gives any details, that was 7 years AGO.

Note to future self: hi. Are you still who you used to be? Perhaps you’ve changed, for better OR worse. I’m 11 now. Who knows, by now, I mean your now, you could be famous. Nvm if you’re not yet. Look for your big break. Ok, here are my 2 reminders.

A) if your boyfriend wants to break up or hints about it, laugh and say, ‘sure. No loss. I’m not obsessed with you or anything. Bye, see you in my next life or something.’

B) don’t be scared if there’s news of the asteroid. Right now, I’m already scared. Keep praying. God will answer in his calming voice. He’ll lead you.

It’s already quite hi-tech now. Wonder if you all are flying or something? Hey, who can tell. I just hope there will never be another disaster that shook the world- like the Tsunami case and the San Francisco Earthquake.

the diary entry with the rule: (PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THAT I WAS 11, though I have a tendency to act similarly sometimes, even at 18. Maybe some things never change)

OMGOSH. Stefan is the cutest ever boy to walk the Earth. Truth. Truth. Really. I can’t get over him. It’s so hard!!! I made up this rule : WILBICOY – When In Love, Be In Control Of Yourself. I can’t. I think I’m in love. It’s unrequited. ❤ Stefan ❤ STEFAN IS SO CUTE. SO CUTE. SO CUTE. lalala. 2B Stefan! Stefan! Mrs. Pearl Yang. Mr. Stefan Lin. [OMG LET ME DIE. NOW. WHAT IS THIS- current me]

I hope I’ll get this: (insert drawing of a V-Day heart-shaped card here)

Then it’ll be signed S! So romantic! But knowing him, he’ll give it to Wing Yi, not me. OMGosh, he is the one. I don’t know why, but I feel it. For now. Ok, I must quit my obsession. It’s stupid cos he doesn’t like me.

so yup…that was me, 7 years ago. I’m still boy-crazy, and I still go around proclaiming that my crushes are THE CUTEST BOYS EVER TO WALK THE EARTH but I think my words have taken on a sadder tone. Compare that up there to this :

Maybe this is the closest I will ever get.  Waiting for you to post a new video everyday, hoping that maybe you’re listening to it too at the same time.

on repeat, this.

I stayed back today & last Friday, vainly hoping that I’d run into you somehow. Of course I wouldn’t do anything even if I had the luck to see you. Sometimes I wonder if I’m destined to be the Girl Admiring From Afar.

Today I got all sad, though, thinking about how it’s been almost 2 weeks since I’ve seen you & how term break is starting, which means another 3 weeks will go by with you not knowing who I am.

yes I tend to be an overly dramatic masochist who likes finding sad fanfics to cry over. Which is why I often make myself miserable over someone who doesn’t care.

Sometimes I think, well, I’m not as much of a coward as I’d have myself and everyone believe. I’ve always been open & honest on my blog, even when those feelings got me into so-called trouble in sec 2.

So whenever I get those random bursts of courage, I feel like doing stupid things like sending a message or saying hi. & then it all goes away in a while, and I realize how stupid I was being.

Pearlyn says you’re like me, but I don’t think I’m a very nice person. I know for a fact though, that if you wanted to do something crazily random and spontaneous, I’d be game for it.

Maybe fate Is keeping me away from love. I mean, who goes into relationships expecting their demise, right? I do. My friends joked about E.T & I getting married but I honestly know he’s not the one (& besides I don’t want a husband). How can you be sure at 18 anyway? & I don’t want to have dated just one person my entire life, romantic as it sounds.

 

whoo boy, big difference yes? & look at the letter to my 18-year-old self…back then I was seemingly religious. But I wanted to be famous – and I thought I’d be dating by now. huh. & we’re not flying. & there WAS another disaster – the Japanese Earthquake and Tsunami. Nice to read my old diaries, though. Sometimes I even feel like I was wiser back then. Like Benjamin Button, I feel like I’m becoming more naive with time.

 

 

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