Someday I’ll be living in a big old city

Rant

Been feeling this way for quite some time now.

Am afraid this always happens. Perhaps I am just no good at maintaining friendships or perhaps I just somehow always end up -second fiddle or used.   You see, being my friend can be frustrating. I have my flaws and my moods. I don’t take the initiative to text or call unless I really have something to say to you.

Still, let me say that I am sick of people not replying when I ask when they want to meet. Don’t tell me you got me something, make me spend money buying something for you, and then not reply when I ask you when you’re free.

Then there are those who are in it (the friendship) for freebies…actually I don’t even really think we’re friends at all. Let’s just say I wasted about…5 or 6 of Guo Hao’s Polaroids on my birthday & about $100 or more. I feel disgusted, & if I were you I’d be embarrassed at turning up without saying happy birthday to the host,just eating & having fun & not even presenting a tiny token of courtesy. I feel so bad not inviting Xiuwen, who gave me 10 bucks to donate .

Jess gave 20…the kind soul! (: her money has gone into funding a Nepalese library for kids. As for those who gave small gifts orcards, those were appreciated too.

I wrote letters to Maria and Justine…I thanked them for bearing with me & promised them that they would not regret staying friends- I will make sure that their loyalty will reap benefits in the future. If this sounds dramatic, I assure you, I’m about as serious as a terminal illness. I may appear like I’m lazy & daft & superficial, & living my life day today, drifting along dreaming about boys. You probably think I’m all talk and no action. Keep it up, all of you , & you will make me angry and hurt enough to give myself that boost I need to get to where I wanna be.

Nobody can stop others from dreaming big. I am a dreamer, yes. But somehow I know some, if not all, of my goals can be achieved. As for you, what do you really want? I don’t have a Mr.-best-I-can-get-right-now tying me down, I don’t have a set of beliefs restricting me, I don’t have a everything-you-need-or-want-is-here mentality.

I don’t want to personally attack anyone. You can be a bitch, I’ll be a lady. My mum told me about her first love, but said that they could never be because they were too different- he’s living comfortably now in sandakan, but that’s it. & to my mum, that’s not life.

Was chatting to WL yesterday, and I thought, why am I competing and trying to catch all these guppies in a fish tank , trying to appeal to them, when obviously all they lust after are other guppies?

Yes. I talk about E.T & boys all the time. But nobody will keep me here, bound to them and trapped in a life that one can already plot out like some tv drama.

If, in 10 years we cross paths either by accident or on purpose (a reunion) , I hope to be able to show you what I meant all along. & I hope that you will walk away in awe and regret.  If my appearance garners a less-than-pleasant reaction from you, you have every right to laugh derisively in my face, call me names & walk away with a smirk.

Thank you. Because the more I think of you, the angrier I get, & the more I’m determined to show you that losing you as a friend means nothing to me- whereas losing me as a friend might cost you more than you’d think.

& by you, I mean all of you phonies/hypocrites/cheapos/liars/flakes/bitches/two-faced people/ those who looked down on me/ignored me.

I always root for the underdog. Because I believe that the underdogdeserves to win, he needs all the support he can get, &everyone loves a happy ending, right?

 

 

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