Finding a balance

I’ve blogged about this before, about how I feel as though there are many things I want to pursue, and 2 extremely different tracks in life I wouldn’t mind taking.

I wonder if it’s possible to find that perfect balance, so that I can achieve everything I want to without having to compromise.

I want to be able to treat myself to materialistic pleasures such as concerts, facials, manicures, clothes and the like…but at the same time, I want to help the world.

I just found out about Sam Childers, the real Machine Gun Preacher, and his target, LRA leader and international war criminal Joseph Kony. I will not criticise religion here, mostly because I don’t want to risk getting jailed. So instead I will just say that there is much to be done in this world- we should try and figure out how to help as much as we can – even if it’s just raising awareness. Because, obviously, we can’t all troop down to the Congo/Sudan area and hunt for him, can we…?

This is why Ma always tells me to earn lots of money, so that I can create jobs/donate, and not have to feel guilty about spending so much on ‘unnecessary things’.

I realised though, that some things have never left me, although they may have been pushed aside over the years. Sometimes I think that I’m getting dumber and more evil with age .

I used to read the papers everyday, keep myself up to date with current affairs. I wrote little 4-line poems about soldiers in Iraq, tried to set up environmental/animal welfare ‘clubs’, wanted to start a magazine called Glitter (if you google I think one DOES actually exist), record an album (with a song titled Teacher’s Pet already written) …

Maybe it’s something all kids go through…

Have I actually done anything noteworthy? Nope. Others released their novels, albums and started their charities at 13. My creative, I-want-to-do-it-all phase ran from when I was 10 -12. & then I died.

I don’t want to be that person who sits there 10 years down the road, behind a desk, watching others succeed and going : hey that could have been me!

I think my love for performing has always been there, but it wasn’t strong enough to push me to become a better singer, dancer, or actress. It didn’t make me disciplined enough to actually write songs, or train for hours each day, or audition like crazy.

Which is basically what one needs to do in order to succeed.

Now I think I’ve given up on the dream of stardom and am content with getting a good job. When I was younger I dreamed of winning the Nobel Prize- either the Peace Prize or Literature. It’s the craziest thing ever, I know. I would have to be some kind of noble (ha!  Nobel, Noble…) person to deserve one, and I’m far from that.

I want to work for the UN, because that’s one way I can feel involved in making a difference in the world. Yet one part of me still longs for the bright lights of Hollywood – the glitz and glamour, the magazine covers, the music videos, the movies…

There are many people who make mid-career switches. I suppose I should do what is best done as a youth, and perhaps leave the serious stuff for later. I often feel like I’ve wasted (x) amount of years- if you flip through my diary, this is an oft-repeated phrase.

I don’t know why I constantly think about trivial things instead. Why can’t I remind myself of the bigger picture? 😦

Depression also took away precious time and energy – and stole my chance of doing well for ‘O’s. Ma still doesn’t want to admit it, but I’m certain now that I WAS clinically depressed. When I think about what I was back then, I’m ashamed but also really sad. I don’t know why I did all those things to myself – but depression is an illness, perhaps I couldn’t be blamed. I didn’t cut because I feared blood, I didn’t attempt suicide because I feared death, and I didn’t starve because I loved food too much.

But I cried, I cried almost everyday, I couldn’t sleep, I felt as though the entire world hated me, and I would break down over the smallest things like people not noticing that I was the only one who didn’t do something in PE. Ma scolded me constantly over grades, and that only made things worse. She didn’t understand that I was sick, and that it wasn’t something I wanted.

If people come back stronger after a rough patch in their lives, like if they have to really hit rock bottom before things start getting better, then I hope that that was it. Because I was so miserable. Sometimes it comes back, the feeling of being worthless and the hatred I harbor for humanity, but for the most part I manage to keep it down.

I’m old enough to make my childhood dreams come true now. Like in The Last Lecture. It’s why I dare to chase after what I want now (at least, more than I did before) .

& as always, in relation to love – I think that since I obviously fail at being a girl, I think I’ll just have to assume the role of a man. In the sense that I’ll have to be the one chasing. Much as I would love to be chased, I think sadly I’m the kind who has to go out there and hunt.

I find it so ironic that people tell me I need to take care of my personal appearance and put on make up, when I wax my upper lip and try my best to keep my skin pimple-free. On the contrary, acne-ridden girls with visible moustaches still get more male attention than I do.

A preference left over from our last common ancestor with the apes or what? Because I don’t get it. Maybe I should have facial fuzz too, would guys trip over themselves trying to get my number then? As Derek Blasberg wrote in Very Classy, there is NO EXCUSE for excessive facial hair above the upper lip. I really don’t understand guys. You want girls to look like girls, with short skirts, wavy hair, tons of makeup, smooth skin and high heels.

yet…

yeesh.

Finding love is still very important to me. But I have so many goals worth pursuing – perhaps if I will never know what it’s like to be loved by a man, then my fulfilled dreams will give me all the comfort I need.

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