WARNING : ANOTHER MOPEY POST AHEAD.
Sigh, sometimes I really wonder if I’ve some sort of split personality or if I’m bipolar – how can I be wildly optimistic one day and depressingly pessimistic the next? Anyway I grabbed a copy of ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ because it was on sale, and I was rather curious.
It opened my eyes, for sure. I realised that all those precious minutes spent picking apart words and actions, relating interactions to friends in hopes that we’d see ‘signs’ …all for naught. & the book advised us girls to NOT be the hunter – but my problem is, if nobody’s actively searching for me, I can’t just sit and wait till my first grey hair appears and think, ‘Gosh…it’s about time I start putting in the effort to look for love’.
I have been making excuses for the could-have-beens. Maybe he’s shy. Maybe he’s intimidated. Nice to know that all those excuses were lies I told myself- harsh truth…they were just not that into me.
I was feeling kinda down again…every girl I pass by on the street is a reminder that I’m the complete opposite of a guy magnet. Looked through the professional photos I took long ago, which I never really put to good use, on account of not knowing what to do with them…send myself in for casting calls? Slightly chicken. Attempt to contact modelling agencies? Fear of being laughed at and having my photos deleted/thrown away.
Sure, some photos were kinda bleagh, but.. & here I’m tearing… for most, I saw a girl who was – & I’m not gonna be apologetic about it- beautiful. I saw a girl with a bright, confident smile, someone who shouldn’t ever be crying over why no boys like her.
I want to stop torturing myself like this, but I have some sort of syndrome where I think my world would be complete if only I could find that someone, or if I had boys showering me with attention 24/7. I shouldn’t be this pathetic. But I am.
Am I not focusing on myself enough?
I have to occupy myself with something every waking moment, if not I’ll go insane thinking about all this. My froggie charm was meant to serve as a reminder but it doesn’t help much – no matter how much I touch it or stare at it longingly, it’s not gonna conjure up a bunch of admirers.
This is probably why I should start some business or other projects – something that’ll require my full attention. I’ve come to realise that I quite like teaching …hm.