I’m scared it’s all ’bout the little things that I can’t give.

Just another one of those days. I’m really starting to scare myself with my bitter thoughts towards other girls.

It’s like there’s an invisible scoreboard looming above my head, flashing ‘0’ in neon pink. I have this tendency to look at other girls and go, I bet even she’s had 10. or 5. or even just 1.

I’ve been hanging around guys more often nowadays thanks to Pre-U sem, which I guess helps in taking me further away from my blushing and stuttering days. But I still don’t get them.  I think I never will.

I was watching a couple on the MRT, and the boy had his hand around the girl’s waist, and he seemed so smitten with this plain Jane. I was thinking, just what makes her so special? So I thought, perhaps if I went around asking guys why they thought their girlfriends/crushes were special, I might somehow figure out the answer. It might not help me, it might not make me feel better, but at least it’s something interesting.

I was thinking of taking polaroids but I really don’t feel like wasting my film on girls I don’t know/care about. So I’ll stick to a digital cam. Singaporeans are rather camera-shy though. But well.

There are many cool things I’d like to do, like write ‘YES’ and ‘NO’ on my hands and not speak, like the grandpa in Extraordinarily Loud and Incredibly Close. Just to see how people would react.

When I was at Kino that day, I saw the political studies section and I was thinking, do I really wanna do this? & quite a few people are taking poli sci/international relations in uni . I’d rather do something different. Like move to Taiwan and work my way up from an extra to an actress. It’ll take years of hard work and possible poverty. But maybe the payoff will be greater.

I’m not being practical again.

I don’t really know what I want. I mean, I do know. But it’s just not easy.


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