There’s the girl that you were after,

can you say that you don’t want her anymore?

I have a common face 😥 everyone always tells me that I look like their friend/ resemble someone they know. Even my personality seems equally interchangeable (sp?) with someone else’s.

Thing is, if I look like all those other girls, and those girls whom I apparently resemble all have boyfriends/guys after them, then my looks can’t be the reason why I repel boys. If it’s my personality, what is it specifically that keeps them away?

I don’t really like sharing stuff about myself face-to-face, but online I’m super open about many things – my insecurities, fears, hopes, random thoughts…maybe that’s why people have the misconception that I’m boring. But I like thinking that someday someone will find me endlessly fascinating,and will want to know every little thing about me.

At the very least I suppose I’ve ‘levelled up’ now, in Simspeak, Pearl can now ‘initiate conversation’ and ‘eat together’ and ‘hang out’ without being an awkward jellyfish. I’m no longer that shy and self-conscious around guys anymore, and I’m trying to understand them more, so that I can answer my own questions – so far I have nothing conclusive. Just that looks really help. Which goes back to, explain why girls who aren’t necessarily very pretty still have admirers…no clue.

I can’t help but compare myself to everyone else all the time, and seeing people on FB posting about where they’ve been accepted makes me feel sorry for myself – like I don’t know where I want to go or what I want to do anymore, like it’s not gonna be enough anyway. I know it’s probably because I’m a lazy bum who lacks drive. All I do is sit and dream and act like I know what’s going on.

The best way to find out what you’re meant to do is to think of something you could do all day and not be sick of. & I don’t know, really. I like talking about myself. I’m narcissistic that way. Reality TV star?

I wrote another song for E.T again…I don’t think I even really like him anymore. Guess I’m just clinging on to the fact that he was the last guy I really ‘liked’. Then I thought about someone else and how we shared a great convo and interests, but nothing happened.

I think I’ve slowly come to accept the fact that while I shouldn’t stop trying, I’m still never gonna be what guys want.

Sounds like some kind of tragedy – like a girl on a quest to fulfill her last wish, but it’s proving near impossible, and eventually she’s satisfied with a set-up granting of her wish, a compromise of sorts, like well we couldn’t get anyone to fall in love with you for real, but to make you happy before you go, here’s a nice date and a pretend-admirer-for-a-night. Have fun!

Is this all I ever think about? A lot of the time. It’s why I’m not successful – I’m channeling my energy into the wrong things, but I’m powerless to stop it. Like a dog chasing its own tail, that’s what it is…destined to keep going round and round in circles, trying to find the solution to my problem, only to die of exhaustion in the end.

Ma just doesn’t get it. She’s always unhappy that I keep wanting to be liked. But I don’t know why I need this acknowledgement so much, like I can’t do all my stuff in peace when there’s no one there but my family to cheer me on, think I’m beautiful and awesome, and all that cheesy crap.

Maybe it’s a disorder – the Hopeless Romantic Syndrome . Not desperate. I hate that word. Though I fear it’s what I’m slowly becoming.  


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