Who am I living for?

I always thought that I had personality- I figured that if no one was gonna like me for my appearance, at least I’d win them over with that.

But yesterday it hit me that I’m always living for everyone else, & never for myself. I let my crush-of-the-moment occupy every thought, and let what others think of/say to/do to me affect me a lot. I do things like attend classes in an attempt to busy myself and ‘live life’, but in the back of my head I’m always thinking of something else, someone else.

I dream of being a celeb so that I can get attention from pretty much everyone. I suppose that’s pathetic.

Truth is,  maybe I don’t have much personality after all. Maybe all I am is an amalgamation of characteristics gleaned from each person I meet, experiences that shape me …things that I think I ought to be.

Just now Micah and Nick were talking about how it was pointless to date right now if you know it’s inevitably gonna end – and I said, well, what about just being in a relationship for the experience? & they laughed, like experience, what for, to level up?

Yeah well I know life’s not a competition where the girl with the most admirers/boyfriends will win some sort of trophy or achieve the highest level of self-satisfaction, but…somehow I believe that even dating the wrong guy is okay. At least I’d have been on a date. I say that, but I still refuse to go out with just anyone. Does that make me a hypocrite?

The guys I don’t mind dating don’t like me back. & it’s not like I receive offers anyway.

and we can take cheesy date pics like these…

I wouldn’t mind dating now and being with someone for a year, months even. At least I’d have some happy memories. My mind would be put to rest. I wouldn’t fear the future, knowing that at least I’d been loved once, and that someday I’ll love again. Instead of my current situation, constantly worrying if I will continue being passed over as an option- about as attractive to boys as the idea of going for a mani/pedi (no offense to the metrosexual types).

Is not being wanted by anyone better than being desired by many and ending up with some, only to have to move on to another in a while?

Micah brought up a point I’d been pondering that day – if each time you have a relationship, you share so many intimate things about yourself with that person, then when you break up …I don’t know, but. Well. I would feel slightly uncomfy knowing that out there is an ex who has seen certain things or well, knows my secrets and all.

What will be left of you, if you keep giving a part of yourself away each time?

I really have to try and find a way to truly focus on myself and find my own happiness, instead of relying on others for it.

On another note, why do I dance so badly? I try, but it’s so hard.


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