In line with my new mantra of sharing only positive things publicly, I will keep my mopey thoughts to myself. I was going to launch into some sort of self-pitying spiel about how I would never measure up to certain girls, but I think that would only do more harm to my self-esteem and annoy all of you, so.
It’s not easy, certainly. Today I met up with Charlotte, after about…3 years, I think. It was refreshing to hear her take on relationships and love as a whole, and I think my perspective was equally new to her. She has never had a crush, while I’m always finding someone new to like.
‘Isn’t it distracting?’ she asked me – and for most people, I suppose the answer would be yes.
‘No,’ I replied. ‘In fact, I feel even more distracted not having a crush – I like people very easily. They just don’t like me back a lot of the time.’ I told her that my crushes make me more motivated to be a better person – I’ll listen to new music, read books I’d never once thought of reading, maybe become fascinated by things that once seemed boring and ordinary.
What I would give to not care about it all. Then I could really focus and do greater things, maybe.
I see people I know going to Oxford, getting top grades, putting up nice pics of themselves with their boyfriends on FB, being awarded scholarships – and while I’m happy for them, somewhere inside me lies the question : Why isn’t it me?
After all, we attended the same schools…while I was never the scholarly sort, I wasn’t too far behind. & then with O levels came another gap, a bigger one this time, and with As the chasm is almost too wide to ignore – I’m no longer in the running. I have replaced my ‘I must be better than so-and-so, I have to get this certain grade for this thing’ chant with ‘oh heck whatever as long as I get it done’.
I thought it was because I didn’t want to live a life governed by how much I got for national exams and subjects I didn’t particularly care about, but now they seem like flimsy excuses for me to just pretend that it’s okay going about life casually.
I don’t know, I’m so far behind my friends intellectually, if intellect is to be determined by our ability to enter certain schools and to express ourselves well. It scares me, that I might not be capable of being the girl I always wanted to be.
You see? I’ve subconsciously lapsed into poor-little-me mode again.
People ask me what I want to be, and I can’t confidently tell them the answer – instead I always give a vague ‘Many things’, and hope that they won’t probe further, but they do.
It’s true though, there are so many things I want to do – I don’t have one sole passion, something that propels me to work hard each day to make my dreams come true. I love planning the perfect life and the perfect version of myself, but this pursuit is tough, and I often find myself back on a previous square, like in Snakes and Ladders.
If I could, I’d head to New York for 3 months to join one of those dance programmes, where you can take classes at any level, 12 hours a week. There I’d soak up the sights, watch Broadway plays, audition to be an extra, and do all the cool things one can only do in the Big Apple.
I’d volunteer in a Sichuan panda reserve, and then head to Chiang Mai to take care of elephants.
I’d go to Namibia to volunteer and take a look at fossils of early humans while I’m at it. (at least, if I recall, some are located there)
It requires so much money though, and time, and I’m not sure about the payoff . I don’t want to rely on my parents much longer – contrary to what people may think, I don’t see my parents’ earnings as something I deserve, or something that will always be there. I chose to take up minimum-wage jobs during the hols because I wanted to know what it would be like if I lost it all – while I have the security to be able to quit anytime now, who’s to say the same for the future?
I have been accused of snobbery since my primary school days, and it’s frustrating when people think it’s about the money. For starters, my family isn’t filthy rich. So many people out there have more $ than we do. I think that I would definitely be proud though, if I were a self-made millionaire like the Chan sisters, who are gorgeous to boot and SN seniors too. But I’m not.
I think what makes me proud to others is the fact that although I may seem to not know what I want, and doubt myself all the time, I believe that I’m different. Perhaps to others this may not be the case, but I like thinking so, because it gives me the courage and confidence to do things.
And like Taylor Swift said:
Fitting in probably only feels good in the short-term.
Here’s to achieving our dreams and being different ❤