Time for me to wake up. I’ve only ever been infatuated with people, because I’ve never actually known them. You know, the strongest feelings I’ve ever had were for Bill Kaulitz…ever since I was a kid I’ve always pined after guys I admired from afar. I’d imagine what they were like, create some idealistic image of them and convince myself that I would never be with them .
They haven’t been all celebs, but even the real ones are guys I’ve never talked to or only met once. Crazy, huh. I think the first time I actually really talked to a guy was in poly, at the grand old age of 17. I’m the epitome of a late bloomer.
To be honest, out of all the guys I’ve ever known (like really know – meaning we’ve talked more than once and about things beside school) …there was only 1 guy I clicked with and talked to on a level that was pretty personal yet comfortable. Found myself missing the convos we had, however brief..we don’t talk anymore, and I guess that’s okay.
& I wonder why I don’t have a boyfriend..haha. Now that I think about it, I’ve been too busy focusing on the fact that I haven’t got one to really reflect on the why.
Guess I need to get to know people better. But to be honest, I think chemistry should be apparent from the get-go.
Naive as it may sound, I believe in stories where people lock eyes across a crowded room and just know somehow that they’re meant for each other. And well, I haven’t had that with anyone just yet – or I wouldn’t be single now, would I? I think I’ll wait for a guy whom I can have endless convos with- for now I’ll just try my best to be more interested in the people I already know. Not in a romantic sense. Just as a friend- same probably goes for the girls.
On another note, just had my 1st DELF B2 prep class. Did listening today, didn’t do half bad. This 14 year old girl I met was really cool, she’s homeschooled and the minute she came in speaking accented French to me, I was floored. I asked if she was French but no, she’s Singaporean! Felt so ashamed speaking in smatterings of potentially broken French. I’m actually pretty excited to start studying for it – more so than I am for the upcoming law exam, which is not good.
Almost the end of school …kind of sad. Who knows when I’ll see my friends again. I think I’m probably gonna be sent to the Stat Boards, though I’ve changed my mind and decided to stop pretending to be someone I’m not (e.g an intellectual/serious person who can debate politics etc.).
I feel better now- acknowledging that my personality is just incompatible with the guys around me, and I’m just not what they’re looking for . And also just looking, really looking at people and realising that they’re not as evil as you make them out to be. They’re human , too. And they will hurt, just like you, maybe not right now, but someday. Tried this trick where you’re supposed to pretend to send ALL YOUR LOVE in a huge bubble towards someone you dislike. Don’t know if it worked..!
So here’s to the end of unnecessary worrying/drama/self-doubt/hallucinating/daydreaming.