In light of a recent mini-debate on LTC, I’ve decided to weigh in on the topic of what makes a girl ‘good’ and another, ‘bad’. I must admit that I’ve always had a very narrow definition of these 2 terms. You know, the kind that most people have. The self-proclaimed ‘good girls’ think that any girl who smokes, drinks, parties and has sex is automatically ‘bad’. Yes, I subscribed to that way of thinking too.
But I have friends who have done/do such things, and they are far from evil. They may have different interests, and we may not be able to talk to each other anymore because of that, but it doesn’t make them ‘bad’. Sometimes I wonder, given other circumstances, would I act the same way as well? I claim that my aversion to cigarettes, alcohol and clubs is due to my personality, but what if it’s just a result of my environment? Then again all kinds of people do these things, so.
Though I’ve never been religious, I used to believe in saving myself for marriage. But now I don’t even believe in marriage. And pre-marital sex has become the norm. What I think is that people should wait till they are at least…well, 21. And they should do it with the right person. It’s not a dilemma I have to face anyway – not for a while, at least.
What makes a girl ‘good’? I don’t know. I get into trouble with my parents over things like grades, me not really wanting to study anymore, my constant insecurities about boys. Does that make me ‘good’? If I got a boyfriend, maybe I’d sneak out, lie, do things I wouldn’t normally do. Who knows? I can’t say for sure. If I had the guts, would I rebel against my parents’ wishes and pursue my Hollywood dream?
I just want to be the kind of girl people would be proud of. I know I’m not there yet. Maybe I’ll never be. But I’m trying.
I still think about love all the time. It’s difficult, I’m afraid, to stop. I could be playing Rock Band drums, and happily pounding away, but in the back of my mind I’m thinking : how nice would it be if a guy thought it was cool that I can play the expert levels on tough songs, though it’s only my 2nd time playing Rock Band?
It seems like people don’t understand why I would want to leave, and I guess it’s because I have this fantasy that maybe I’ll be appreciated elsewhere. I’ve been here 19 years. No one has liked me. Therefore, maybe a fresh new start in a foreign place will help. That’s my logic. It’s stupid, I’m probably gonna be more single than ever if possible abroad, but at least I’d be away from things that will remind me of ex-crushes, might-have-beens and with them, the feelings of indirect rejection and loneliness.
Work is starting soon…I hope it’ll help me remember who I am and remind me that I’m doing just fine without a guy.