I took the low road in, I’ll take the high road out

No matter how many self-help books and success stories I read, nothing seems to sink in. Each time I’m rejected and sent a ‘hey, we didn’t pick you but we hope that you won’t give up and maybe next time you’ll try again’, I know that I’m supposed to be optimistic and all ‘YEAH! I’LL TRY AGAIN!’ but I’m not.

Instead, I feel like saying ‘yeah sure thanks, you crushed my dreams and now I don’t ever want to sing, dance, act or speak ever again because I’m not good enough and I never will be. ‘

I know that’s not right, but I can’t help it. Maybe it’s true that you really have to be rejected tons of times in order to finally attain some semblance of success.

I haven’t really reached The Bottom, like eating-a-potato-a-day and  living in a car kind of struggling. I don’t know if I have to …

I don’t know why I can’t rely on myself to be my own support. I don’t know if I’ve always been this weak.

If you have to love yourself fully before you’re able to love another, then I don’t think I can ever fall in love, you know?

It’s so tiring picking apart every bit of myself , every aspect, and comparing it to others. Like all I am is a comparison, something ‘relative to’ something. But nothing on its own.

I’d do anything to get the old me back. I don’t know if she knew what life was, but at least she had some direction.

Just some mopey thoughts on a sleepy Thursday afternoon. 😦

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