At least, I think so. I’m a work-in-progress, but aren’t we all? I don’t feel happy all the time, but I’m content.
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel like all is right in the world. These moments last only a couple of minutes, though. But I guess that’s enough, once in a while. Short bursts of optimism to keep me going.
It would be great to be this content all the time, but then it wouldn’t be life. Like that day Ma got really mad just cuz I didn’t call till it was almost midnight, and she threatened to not let me go abroad because I was irresponsible and couldn’t take care of myself. I know I should’ve called, but it wasn’t like I was out somewhere with people she didn’t know. & the path back home is dark & scary, but there aren’t rapists lurking in the grass waiting to pounce on people all the time – or ever.
& I just got really frustrated, like great, this is my life. I’m just a pawn dependent on others. It’s no wonder no one wants to be with me- I wouldn’t wanna be with me, either. I’m trapped.
It’s taken me almost 19 years to truly accept myself, you know? Like now I’ve stopped comparing myself to others. & I’m not apologetic about who I am. Like sometimes I think, god, I can’t believe I did that, but I can’t take it back. I like myself now (most of the time). I’m sorry if you don’t.
But yeah I think I’m just starting to get really bored, and I’m taking it out on everyone, especially my mum. So I’m trying to find things to look forward to all the time, but then it means that I‘m never living in the moment – I’m just always anticipating what’s coming next. So what happens when there’s absolutely nothing to be excited about?
I’m getting fitted for pointe shoes this Friday. That’s something I’m happy about – I don’t know what to expect but I’m glad that I have the chance to try going en pointe. I’m like the fattest and worst ballerina I know but hey. Like I said…I’m cool with who I am.
I’ve taken the time to reflect, & I realised that I was being too much of a drama queen as usual . Now I just avoid scrolling through my FB newsfeed, and I try my best to keep myself busy. I’m starting to forget. Which is a good thing.
Gonna hopefully go for LASIK soon, then I can wear my cool specs and pose as a quirky art student.
If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. Applies to everything. My life would’ve been so different if I’d gotten into ACS (I). Can’t say for sure if it’d be better or worse, but I wouldn’t have done so many things that’ve shaped my life and made me me, y’know? I’m glad I went to SP, despite all the drama. I hope that I’ll be someone the school will be proud of someday.
I just wanna make you proud.