Been chilling to Ben Folds’ ‘The Luckiest’ the past few days… in an interview Katy Perry mentioned that she used to listen to this song and cry, thinking about someone she used to love.
Okay this song isn’t the point of this post. I just feel so happy and full of love right now, for everyone. I want to spread the joy and help people because I just can’t believe it.
It’s not that I’m happy all the time, like I said. But ..I just feel scared, like I don’t deserve this. I mean, okay, maybe people are like yeesh Sciences Po Summer School, so what, as long as you can afford the fees they’ll accept you. Well, I had to send my cover letter/CV , take an auto-evaluation test and apparently lots of students applied, so…c’mon. Lemme be happy. Even if you think French is useless, I don’t, and I’m super excited to debate, act, write essays and improve, basically.
Like someone selling his soul to the devil, I wonder if I made a bargain with the Universe and it listened. I told it that I would do anything and give up anything to get into Sciences Po. I know I’m not in the actual uni yet (see how optimistic I’ve become!) but it’s a step, this summer school programme. & now the world is alright again.
I’m the kind of person who would give things up if something that benefits my future comes along. I gave up my Berlin trip for a temp job, though people thought that was a crazy move. But I think that an opportunity to work there won’t ever present itself again – besides, it’s just for another month. Berlin can wait.
& in the same vein, I told the Universe that I wouldn’t mind if no guys liked me, as long as I could get into Sciences Po/ become successful. I know the happiness derived from achievements differs from the sort of joy you get from romantic love, but I can live with being alone if I’m someone I’m proud of being, you know?
I’ve always been alternately cruel and kind to myself, but mostly cruel. I used to tear myself apart all the time, then comfort myself with a ‘but maybe it’s just because I’m different’.
& now I’m just like, I know I’m a cool person and worth it and if you don’t think so then it’s your loss. Don’t quite know where this strong sense of self-love came from. Ray texted me yesterday, and I almost teared up… she said that if I got rid of my specs and dyed my hair brown then it would accentuate my freckles and guys would go weak. Haha. I wish. But I just thought of how all along I’d hoped for someone to notice them – and that did happen, but…well. It must have been nothing but an off-handed comment, the significance of which was unknown to everyone but me. Sure, they’re just freaking freckles, but I like ’em.
Can’t allow myself to be the pathetic kind of girl who sits there, full of self-loathing , with a lack of ambition. No whiny, boo-hoo-poor-me letters on LTC, or posts…no. Ma said that when I was a kid, whenever I tripped, I’d quickly get back up and ask if anyone saw. I think that girl is still there – tough, yet worried about others’ opinions.
I can wait. If the Universe gives me everything else I want, and keeps me on the right track, then I don’t mind. So grateful for everything…just wanna make everyone else equally happy. I hope you’re happy. (: