I know that I am privileged to have access to quality education. I know that I sound like a bratty kid with first-world problems who doesn’t seem to be able to appreciate what she’s got. I’m sorry. I’m trying, okay?
Maybe Sciences Po wasn’t the best fit. Maybe I would’ve hated it there. I think what I’m upset about isn’t really the fact that I lost the chance to study there, but more about the fact that I just lost one whole possible life , if you get what I mean. That Great Perhaps that I’d been dreaming of? Well it’s not happening anymore.
I broke down at the dinner table last night because I started thinking about how my life was gonna be. The same as the past 20 years. & probably the same for the next 20.
“She’s not choosing where to go because of what she wants to study, but just because she thinks that going overseas is cool and she thinks she’ll meet better guys out there.” To quote my dad.
Fine. It’s true. But isn’t college more about the experiences you have and the people you meet than what you actually study? Plenty of people don’t end up doing what they thought they would – & when you ask them for memories of college, they’re not gonna tell you about the modules they took and what they learnt – they’re gonna say, ‘Well, there was this time when …’ or ‘There was this girl who…‘.
Yes, maybe I’ll build an equally enriching life here. But the me-that-could-have-been is dead, and I should be allowed to mourn my loss for a little while. This is 2009 all over again.
I’ll walk quietly on this new path. Alone. Give me something that’ll make this worth it, Universe. I asked to go to Sciences Po, but I couldn’t. So now that that’s gone, what’s left? Will you give me a good career, if I stay?
You know how some religious people go, ‘if that is God’s plan for me, then I’m fine with it’ ? Some people are destined to dedicate their lives to something (preaching, helping others etc…). I don’t know what I’m supposed to do yet. Let me be someone that I would be proud of, and I’ll be okay.
I’ll be okay on my own.