I’m going to change you like a remix, then I’ll raise you like a phoenix

Been reading The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg.  As usual I feel really pumped up and all ‘YES THIS TIME I’M GONNA CHANGE MY LIFE’ , but it’s probably gonna fade once I’m done with the book. It made me realise that I have a couple of pretty bad habits – like my milk tea addiction and how thoughts of being single haunt me everyday. 

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I didn’t really think much about my need to have milk tea accompany my every meal, until Jan pointed it out …that’s when I realised that yeah, it’s become a habit that I oughta kick. I order it even when I don’t really feel like drinking something. 

As for being single, there isn’t really a trigger. The thoughts just surface and play in a loop. I know that I shouldn’t be thinking such stuff, but it’s become automatic. So I tried using the cue-routine-reward habit loop to figure out how I can change.

 

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Basically what I’m seeking is external validation, right? So what if I can get that from other sources – or even better, do without it? The thing is, how? & that’s where I’m stumped. 

I can’t quite tell you if I’m actually a confident person or not. I guess it depends on the situation.  One of the biggest problems I have with dancing is my lack of confidence. I don’t know if that contributed to my poor performance for ATOD Jazz, but I have been consistently told that I shouldn’t be so shy and afraid of dancing in front of others.

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When Ms Nonis was talking about sending people in for exams, she said that I needed to work on my confidence – that I was ‘quite a strong dancer’ but that I had to be confident. & I was so surprised, because honestly I would’ve pegged myself as the worst dancer in class. Might not be ready to take Inter Found this year, but hopefully soon…determined to keep at it. 

I suppose I’ve been coping with the fact that I’m staying relatively well. Maybe the next 4 years are meant to be spent working on myself and fine-tuning skills that I possess, so that I’ll be a better person. Love will only distract me, right?

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& if you’re gonna spend forever with someone, I guess meeting him after I’m 23 is fine…I’m just worried that work will come after that, & before I know it I’ll be 50 & coming home to my cats. Ma says she’ll bet all her money that would never happen. Oh mother, you overestimate the attractiveness of your daughter. I’m an effective Man Repeller. 

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Work is ending soon…here’s to an awesome break! Planning to sign up for CSTD Summer School as well to improve. Tons of things on my to-do list, if I have the willpower to complete ’em. & I hope that by the time August rolls around I’ll be ready to take on the next chapter in my life. 

 

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