Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve certain things that I have/get. Did I really work hard for any of it? I don’t know. I mean, it’s not like I’m extraordinary I guess. I’m not one of those ‘perfect’ girls with top grades, pretty faces, loads of talent and a cute boyfriend. I think that perfection scares me. It’s like, I’d love it if everything in life went smoothly, but I’d be afraid of the possibility of losing it all, you know?
Maybe I should give myself a little more credit, but I don’t want to come across as someone who thinks she’s better than she actually is.
I just don’t ever want to be a letdown, to myself and to everyone I know. If I was honestly the best thing that came out of my parents’ union, then I can’t afford to crash and burn.
I am genuinely interested in the things that both of you love (except maybe art. property & politics) , and I want to be able to do whatever you (for certain reasons) couldn’t, so that you can live your dreams through me.
I know I didn’t inherit my mum’s tenacity and work ethic or my dad’s talents – I certainly didn’t get the ‘attractive to others’ genes, haha. They’ve had their fair share of admirers, so I guess it’s odd that they’ve produced a kid who appeals mostly to mosquitoes. I think I’ve got like 10 bites now…I am a very generous bloodbank.
Right now, what’s the plan? I guess I’ll try to do well in college, graduate and get a good job that I actually like…do everything I’ve always wanted to do. Ma promised me a year off after uni, like a sabbatical I guess, but without actually having started work. I’ve decided that that would be the best time to start looking for him if he exists. He’s out there in the world somewhere, and I know it’s crazy to give myself that one year to find him when I couldn’t for 23 years, but it’ll happen. It has to.
Thank you for raising me the way you did. I’m open and honest (sometimes too much for my own good), and I’ve been taught to accept others for who they are, and to help them. Thanks for giving me the liberty to believe in what I want to and for supporting me …most of the time. Thanks for showing me what a strong, independent woman is and making sure that I won’t make the same mistakes a lot of women do.
To my parents (& everyone else in my family) : I love you and I promise that I’ll make you very proud someday.