After watching (& falling in love with) The Carrie Diaries, I decided to pick up the book Summer & The City, which introduces the other 3 women in SATC : Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha. Slightly intrigued by Miranda’s apparent feminism in the early chapters, I decided to take a ‘Which SATC girl are you?’ quiz (or 3) for fun. I got Carrie twice and Miranda twice.
While watching The Carrie Diaries, I did see a bit of myself in her. An aspiring writer – or at least, I used to be one. A small-town girl (you may argue that Singapore is not a small town, but I beg to differ) hoping to make it big in a glamorous city.
I guess the little bit of me that resembles Miranda surfaces when I hear of relationships gone sour or tales of infidelity. I become very cynical. & I do place importance on my career – whatever that will end up being. My friend was just telling me about this guy who dated her a couple of times and just disappeared, only to contact her 4 years later with an apology, after making her doubt herself all those years. She said she was constantly wondering if she was so boring that he left, despite having many other admirers after that.
It sounded like my story, except that I only had a 2-hour lunch, not 10. & that I haven’t received an apology. But another thing that is different? I would never ever ever, like ever think that it was because I was boring. I chalked it up to him being a jerk. Still being in love with his ex. Never liking me in the first place anyway. It was all in my head.
She asked if I would give someone like that (her guy) a second chance – and I said no. I don’t believe in second chances. It’s not 3 strikes and you’re out, it’s 1 – unless you come back into my life unexpectedly and say sorry, like some friends that I’ve lost and gained back.
Because what kind of guy hurts you and makes you feel like shit for years and comes back, telling you that he left because he was afraid/ not over his ex? A coward, that’s what. Either that or a cold-hearted person who doesn’t feel a shred of guilt for leaving you in the dark.
( grammatical error : You’re *)
You’re better off alone, without the drama. Or tell him to just crawl back to his ex. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s baggage – if she was that great, why’d you let her go? If she dumped you, well – good luck, if you’re gonna spend the rest of your life comparing every new person to her. You take someone’s genuine feelings, relish it, and then toss it in the trash because boohoo, you see your ex everywhere you go, in everything you do. Screw you.
(Can you tell that I’m still angry? It’s ridiculous, huh.)
Catching up with my friends after spending a summer abroad though, I realised that I was getting sucked back into my tiny world again. I was the same old me – unattractive and resentful about it. I wasn’t Pearl, who could wander around Paris alone and dream of romantic possibilities, but plain old Pearl, invisible and dependent.
They told me of good-looking and smart boys who had never had girlfriends, and voiced their suspicions – maybe he’s gay? I don’t believe it for a minute. there MUST be something wrong with him.
Which made me question why we question the fact that a well-rounded person has never been in a relationship. We’re programmed to think that if he’s so perfect, why hasn’t anyone been with him? The sad thing is, girls do this to each other and make themselves feel sucky. We assume that if no one wants us, it’s because there’s something wrong with us. We’re not pretty enough. We’re not enough.
A lot of the time I feel so tired that I really want to run away and live elsewhere, someplace unpredictable, where anything can happen. My mum defied my grandma’s wishes and never went back to Malaysia. Maybe I take after her- maybe I’m yearning to be free too. But I’m trapped here, because apparently I’m in a decent college which was the only one that accepted me out of the 4 I applied to.
Each day that I spend here, the ‘me’ that I could be dies a little more. I used to want to be a writer, like Carrie. But I’ve filed that dream away and replaced it with something more practical. Slowly and subconsciously, I’ll become nothing but a shadow of my former self.
Sure, I’m being over-dramatic. & I know people would think that I’m ungrateful…I’m made to feel ashamed if I want a little more out of my life. I’m told that I’m very fortunate compared to many others, which I know, but maybe if I get to where I want to be I can help more people that way, instead of feeling angry and unfulfilled all the time.
The recent accidents that have happened here have made me all too aware that life is short- so I can’t spend it being so dissatisfied. I have to live for myself.