All this time I was finding myself & I didn’t know I was lost.

7 weeks into my first semester of college and I am unintentionally (or not-so) screwing it up. 

semester-first-life

I comfort myself with the fact that it could just be my usual pattern : you know, enter a new school, declare that I hate it the very moment I step in, grudgingly plow through the next 4-6 years and end up with decent results. I screwed up my first sem in poly too, with a C for one mod and a 3.4 GPA. In fact, I went on to get a few more Cs- the shame! How I got the Diploma with Merit, I’ll never know. 

hakuna matata

& I guess that lately I’ve been telling myself that it’s time to take it easy and live a little, after 13 years of slogging it out. But that serious side of me just won’t let go. It may be a result of having grown up here. We all wish we could be carefree, not competitive – but deep down inside, everyone’s comparing and judging and I am honestly tired of it all. 

But what would I do without college? I’d just be angry and bored everyday. I’d drive myself insane. In an ideal world, some talent scout would chance upon my blog/a Youtube video/my photos and decide to make me ‘The Next Big Thing’. Or I’d make it happen by auditioning and joining comps and I don’t know what else. 

before-i-die-1

I keep asking myself what I really want to do …and I used to pride myself on the fact that I had some idea where I was going. I always thought I was the one who had my future mapped out while others were still figuring themselves out. Truth is, I’m just as lost. When people ask me what I intend to work as the next time, I tell them civil servant/UN employee, but that seems unlikely now. 

I can’t afford to have some sort of mental breakdown and tumble down the path of self-destruction, though that might be easier. Bad news travels fast, and there are people out there who would be happy to see me fall. I’m not saying that it’s all they live for, but if they were to hear that I’m doing badly, I’m sure they’d smirk – just as I would if I heard karma finally bit them in the ass. 

karma

What’s the use if I’m not happy? WL asked me why I took up Hindi if I didn’t like it and I replied, but I do! I picked modules that I was interested in. I just don’t like the fact that I have to take exams and stress over my grades 24/7. If I could just attend lectures and learn because I want to, not because I have to, I’d be a much happier person. 

I think I wanna let go. If I fail a test or two, I’m not gonna tear my hair out over it. The saddest thing is that I can’t qualify for exchange, I guess. Which means that I’m really trapped here save for the hols…got next year’s break planned out already. Visit Maria, maybe apply for LMU summer school. Just like Sciences Po – if I can’t go there to study full-time, then I’ll go for 3 weeks. Better than nothing. 

stress

On another note I really hate the fact that it takes me forever to get over people. Even when it makes no sense to be thinking of them, they somehow still creep into my thoughts. I know it’ll pass, but when? It’s been months. 

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