& so, just like that, my very first semester in college is over.
Had a bit of a rough start but I think I’ll pull through. Was just remembering the people from poly that day and felt angry thinking about them. Then I realised that by making myself miserable all the time, I’m letting them win. So I vowed to become a happier person. It’s not gonna happen overnight, I know. I may lapse back into self-pity mode any moment. But they can’t win.
I guess people might question why I’m usually so open about my fears and problems, to the point where it might come across as annoying …FB friends would know. A friend asked why my statuses are always so ‘doom-&-gloom’…I tend to be rather extreme sometimes. Eh well. But I admire Demi Lovato for coming clean about her issues, because her vulnerability makes her all the more real, and so I strive to be like that too. I mean, I’m not gonna go about announcing this and that, but if people ask, then I’ll tell them.
Someone else told me that if academic concerns are my only worries then I’m really fortunate. & I suppose that is true. I feel guilty because I haven’t made the time for my grandma and I haven’t gone for any Mercy Relief clansmen workshops since school started. It’s not even that I’m busy, it’s just that I have my own demons to battle when it comes to expectations and reality. Expectations : life is gonna be smooth-sailing, I’m gonna get decent grades and a nice guy will finally like me back. Reality : absolute opposite.
Right now I feel relatively at peace with myself. Why am I such a masochist…always beating myself up over not being good enough, crying over getting 60 something when people in the Philippines are crying over the destruction of their homes and the loss of their loved ones. Reading the newspaper report on how many Singaporeans wanted to volunteer made me realise that I have the chance to do something many others want to do but might not have the training to. Granted, I’ve not been the most active MR volunteer, but I have accompanied them once…perhaps after some more training and actual volunteer work in a less-developed country.
I guess that I’ve placed the idea of finding love on the backburner for now. It wouldn’t be healthy if I were to enter a relationship without having sorted out my own issues first. I’m a work-in-progress. Besides, there’s no guy who is interested in me anyway, as usual, and vice versa. Maybe someday. Maybe never. Whatever.
Trying to find myself again is much more important…after going for lectures by AC Grayling and Mohsin Hamid, I felt a lot more inspired. Perhaps one day I’ll write something and fulfill that childhood dream of becoming an author. It would be sad to watch that dream die. When Mohsin Hamid talked about books being like dance partners for us, and that they were half-written, in the sense that it was up to the reader to interpret and complete the book for him/herself, I remembered how beautiful words could be. How could I ever have thought that I could like someone who doesn’t read fiction?
Anyway, I shouldn’t give up so easily. Things are probably gonna get better soon.