I think that I could be fine, if I could be Mary Jane Holland tonight.

There’s a reason why I try not to read blogs, especially of a certain kind. I guess in a sense I’m isolating myself from the community, which isn’t really good if I’m to be a serious writer, but it’s not like my goal is to be famous (um, okay. that’s a lie.)…

Anyway I try to avoid blogs which are written by pretty young things my age and focus on things like fashion, beauty and their lives (alongside tons of advertorials). I feel like there’s a tendency to get sucked in, & you kinda start obsessing over their lives, & in that process you’re not living your own. I haven’t really been reading any, but my friend just gave me a couple of links & now I’m checking updates from one particular blog, just because the girl is pretty. SEE WHAT I MEAN?? I’m not even doing anything productive, looking at her photos.

envy

What’s worse, looking at these girls’ blogs has the potential to make people feel inferior. You’re bombarded with pictures of them looking all gorgeous, having nice meals with their S.Os, living their lives…and you’re like : what am I doing? That’s right. I’m reading about their lives instead of  maybe dolling myself up and treating myself to a good meal. 

a-walk

 

I think that the walls are up again. It’s not like anyone has tried to break them though. But I don’t think that I will tell someone that I like them ever again…my first and only attempt has scarred me enough. How humiliating is it to put your heart out on the line, hoping for something and getting nothing in return?  I didn’t want it to affect my perception of guys, but coupled with stories of infidelity, one can’t help but think that it’s hard to trust someone. Sure, there are happy stories. But they feel like fairytales- reality only for a charmed few. 

1346814697326105

There’s this odd pang I get when I look at couple pics…it’s just this feeling I can’t shake off. Like I can’t ever imagine it happening to me. Mum was giving me another lecture yesterday, about how I don’t have a personality and am too emotional/pessimistic, of course guys wouldn’t like me. I really don’t like it when people say that I have no personality. I know I whine a lot and maybe I talk about love and guys most of the time, but it’s not like it’s all I do. 

I try to learn new things, go to events, meet new people…am I not doing enough? Anyway it’s almost my 20th birthday…hope the next decade will be better…that I’ll be a little more sure about who I am and where I’m headed.

I’ve come to realise that I really suck at academic writing…I just can’t get the hang of it. Wonderful.

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