Feeling happy & optimistic about where things are headed. It’s not like I got my results back or anything yet, so there’s always the chance that everything will go awry, but still. While I was answering an essay question for Chinese Studies, I took a second to just look up and take it all in : here I was, a girl who wasn’t particularly good at Chinese, writing about the difference between Ancient China and the West, in terms of governance/religion/book classification systems. It may not sound like a great achievement to many, but I did feel proud of myself in that moment.
I was brave enough to pick this module, knowing that I would be up against students from China/students who took ‘A’ level Chinese Lit…and that I would never get an A for it. For the narrow-minded, modules are picked based on what can pull up their CAP. They ‘cheat’ by taking ‘easy’ mods and pretending they don’t have background knowledge in a certain language. Isn’t it a waste of time? Like why would I take French 1 when I can qualify for French 6, just so I can get an A? I’d rather learn something new; something that I genuinely want to learn, even if it’s gonna give me a 2.0. If employers are like, ‘your grades aren’t good enough, we’re sorry’ without hearing me out, then fine. At least I stayed true to myself and picked mods because they seemed interesting and not because they would boost my CAP.
People are always like : You took Chinese Studies? IN CHINESE? ARE YOU CRAZY?? & I always joke along, because I’m not gonna lie : it was tough for me. But I chose CH1101E because I wanted to prove that I could do it. My dad is constantly sneering at my standard of Chinese and dismissing me as a ‘banana’ – a Chinese trying to act like a Caucasian.
& I always get so mad whenever he says that, because I am proud of being Chinese. I’ve never once fantasised about having blue eyes and blonde hair. I’ve never hated my language and my culture. I listen to Chinese music, watch Chinese shows…even when Chinese lessons stopped after secondary school, I did a paper on a Chinese television network in poly and decided to take Intro to Chinese Studies in college. & now I’m considering China as my chosen region for my Global Studies major.
I may not be great at it. English will always be the language I think in/write in most of the time, and it’s automatic for me to reach for an English book, not a Chinese one. In fact, I’ve actually finished a short French novel (Amélie Nothomb’s Cosmétique de l’ennemi), but I haven’t read an entire Chinese novel yet. Unless you count half of 胭指扣…But still. Point is, I will make sure that it’s always, always a part of my life.
Anyway, 2 more papers to go! Not too worried about those, they’re more a question of how-well-will-I-do than will-I-pass…
My 20th birthday will also be passing by uneventfully because I’ll be spending it filming an alumni video at SP. Not expecting anything. I’ll use it as a fresh start, though. Wanna welcome my 20s with a big smile on my face and a heart full of hope. Ah cheesy I know but well. Hopefully 2014’s gonna be a better year than 2013.