As 2013 draws to a close, there are certain things which must be said. It was this year that 2 people, a stranger & someone I regarded as a friend, pointed out my biggest flaw. & perhaps there were people who secretly agreed with them. So I kinda wanna set the record straight.
Yes, I let my obsession with my single status and finding love get out of hand. I wrote about it a lot, and thought about it constantly. But I never did anything that justified the use of the word ‘desperate’, even in jest. A former best friend once claimed that her constant jibes about my appearance were ‘in jest’ – I haven’t spoken to her in 4 years.
Desperate is saying yes to anyone who shows slight interest in you. Desperate is treating things like your first kiss/date/virginity as items to be crossed off a list – anyone can take it, as long as they help you ‘get it done and over with’. Desperate is making out sloppily with randoms. Desperate is begging someone to take you back when you know that they don’t love you anymore. Desperate is being with someone you don’t love because you’re afraid of being alone.
The furthest I’ve gone with a guy? Lunch and giving him a card. Kindergarten stuff. Sure, I want to fall in love. But I also understand that you can’t force things. I leave people alone if they make it clear that they don’t like me back.
I may have mentioned that I would like to be asked out, but I’ve since come to realise that I am incapable of being casual when it comes to dating, the way most people are. I guess it either feels right or it doesn’t, & I’d rather save everyone the trouble by not starting anything, which is why my first date still remains intact.
After having been particularly hurt by my previous crush, I did rant a lot, and in one post I directed my hatred towards random couples. Some stranger on the internet took it upon himself to lecture me on my ‘ugly inside’ personality . I guess I was being judgmental, though aren’t we all sometimes? Anyway, it made me realise that my obsession was getting unhealthy and that I had created a Frankenstein. So I deleted my blog.
Anyway I’ve always believed that career is just as, if not more, important. So in 2014 I’m going to be working a lot more on … well, being busy. With school and life and stuff. Building up my portfolio. Taking baby steps towards the career and life that I want. Doing stuff that I can control. I focus on love a lot because it’s the one thing that I cannot control, no matter how hard I try. But now it’s time to switch that focus.
In the meantime I’ll just do what I always do – have innocent little crushes on people I don’t really know. If something happens, great. If not, it’s fine.
I hope that people will stop trying to label me as something that I’m not. I don’t really think I have anything to prove to people who insist on doing so, anyway. I don’t think about the people that I used to hate. After some time, they kind of just fade into the background and life goes on. I have breakdowns from time to time, but I don’t think I’ve messed up my life yet. So there. I know who I am and what I’ve done, and so do you. We’ll see where that gets us, in time.