He saw me the way I’d always wanted to be seen. He noticed my freckles. He thought I was funny and interesting. He said that I was like a little candle compared to the bonfires; the pretty, outgoing girls who attracted lots of attention. Just like that, he blew away all my insecurities – only to throw them back in my face when he never talked to me again.
Almost a year later, I can say that I’m finally over it. No more over-analysing or wishing I’ll get some sort of a response. It’s funny – I used to spend a lot of time feeling sad about it. I don’t know if it’s because of what I did on NYE (wrote it down on a piece of paper and burnt it as a regret/bad thing) or because I met someone new.
Sadly, by meeting someone new I mean just that- purely…acquaintances for now. I feel like I’m afraid to take any sort of initiative, because I already know what happens when you decide to ‘be brave’ and let your feelings be known. Behavioural power- A gets B to do something B wouldn’t normally do. (Yes, I paid attention during Global Political Economy.) I never tried to initiate conversations with my crushes, ever. Until him. I hated- hate- running. But I did because I wanted to spend a little more time with him.
Any other girl would have just shrugged and moved on after a couple of days. But I’m not any other girl. It takes me ages to move on. I’m afraid to let someone have that kind of power over me again. At least admiring someone from afar keeps your heart safe. Maybe it’s not the way to live, but it’ll do until you find someone worth letting in.
On another note, I’m officially a Student Associate for IRO now (: After signing my contract yesterday, Valerie asked what year I was in, and I said “Year 1.” She was like, “Year 1? Wow, you must be pretty special. They usually only take in Yr 2s or 3s because they have more experience.” I guess I probably looked kinda surprised, & she told me that I must have “shown promise” and that she “hopes I can continue helping out for a longer period of time”.
I was so happy that I called my mum immediately after that (lame, I know). But it feels like things are looking up for me again . I hope that I won’t let anyone down.