I guess everyone has habits that are hard to break…& of all people I should know how easy it is to fall back into a downward spiral, just when you thought you were ‘back to normal’ – whatever normal is. But what I can’t stand is when people try to drag me down with them.
For 7 years I have had to deal with the additional burden of your insecurities. You didn’t do it all the time, but you did it enough for me to feel annoyed – not just annoyed, but affected.
We have the same insecurities – and when you heap yours onto mine, I feel like the damage is tenfold. And maybe only I end up in pieces, because everytime I comfort you or change the subject, you drop it or stop replying. But by then I’m already frustrated and the doubts you planted in my head surface again.
I’ve finally sorted out my social life. I’m not the most popular girl, but I don’t have to be. I have enough friends and I’m happy talking to (most) people I meet. So when you talk about popularity, I don’t feel the blow anymore. I don’t question why others have more friends than I do, because I’m satisfied with my social life.
Another awesome role model (:
But you know the chink in my armour – anyone who has read my blog or has gotten close enough does. & in that aspect, I have no way to tell myself that I am alright. Your fears are my fears. Your questions are the very questions I ask myself over & over again. When I tell you not to worry, I’m actually trying to reassure myself that I will be fine too.
& everytime I try to rise above it all, by focusing on other things like work, studies, hobbies …I get sucked back into the negativity again with just one seemingly casual comment.
There are so many strong, powerful women I look up to who don’t necessarily fit most people’s idea of ‘beautiful’. So many women who are ambitious and go after what they want, even when the world is telling them ‘no’ or ‘you’ll never be able to’. So many women who don’t give a damn if rainbow hair/a shaved head/a meat dress freaks you out – they’ll wear what they want to, because they want to.
What would my role models say if they knew how weak I was? Sheryl Sandberg, Katy Perry, Gaga, Emma Watson, Malala… I have to keep going. Even if I’m only doing a little bit at a time.
With the disappearance of MH370, I feel the importance of truly living more than ever- because you never know which moment will be your last. Reading tweets from family members of the missing people makes me want to cry…I just hope that they will stay strong.