Sometimes before it gets better, the darkness gets bigger.

Was this close to writing another emo post…then I realised that I ought to fight my demons and not give in to them as always – so I’m going to list down things that I’m grateful/excited for and happy about. 

  • Work : Work keeps me sane. I’ve got cool new friends and pretty interesting things to do (if we don’t count all the packing/wrapping of stuff). Without it, I think I’d spend 8 extra hours a week thinking of rubbish and feeling even worse about myself. 
  • German class : Even though I am dying because my German is so goddamn rusty, I love going to class because Frau Hofmann is the funniest, most adorable teacher ever. My classmates are also pretty entertaining from time to time. It’s almost enough to make me forget that I’m barely passing my tests.

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  • Bruno Mars’ Moonshine Jungle Tour : Apparently the guy is AMAZING live so I can’t wait! I think I’ll cry if he sings ‘Just The Way You Are’ …

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  • Electric Run : Can’t wait to put on neon makeup (hope it works out) and dance/walk-run the night away! First run ever, so. 

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  • SUMMER SCHOOL! : I haven’t had time to be properly excited about it yet but once May rolls around & I start planning stuff to do I’m sure I’ll be raring to go! I’m really lucky to have a friend who signed up too so it’s definitely gonna be an awesome summer! 

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  • Friends/acquaintances : Sometimes even just smiling/saying hi to people I know makes me happy. I just like being around people – most of the time (maybe to make up for my antisocial behaviour in the past?). Like I mentioned before, I’m not popular but I genuinely like the people I hang out with, and that’s enough for me. Meeting new people is always fun. 

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  • Life in general : Everything is fine save for that one big problem I keep coming back to again and again. I keep thinking that fixing it would make everything perfect. But I can’t be so greedy. Maybe if I finally get it, I’d have to give up something else- & I’m not sure I’d want to. So I’ll just have to focus on all the good stuff and try to push these negative thoughts out of my head each time they surface. 

It’s so hard…there’s no rehab for this kind of thing cuz no one can get in your head and help you get those thoughts out. With drugs or alcohol, people can tell when you’ve crossed the line, and they can intervene. 

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