I’m as free as my hair.

As much as I love Mother Monster, I have to say that this time she’s got it wrong. I feel freer without my hair.  I was just another regular, invisible young female about a week ago. But now, I’m different. I’ve chosen to say : I don’t care if you think I look weird or ugly. I don’t feel ashamed, because I feel beautiful. & I have the guts to do something you might never do in your entire life. 

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Granted, this whole head-shaving thing isn’t going to save me from the sad thoughts that plague me incessantly. But the point is, if kids with cancer can be strong, why can’t I? I was thinking about the people who hurt me in the past again and wishing they would see that their judgment of me was wrong, but then I realised : why should I feel the need to prove to these haters that I am a good person? It’s a waste of time. Someday they will see it.

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I know I told myself that I ought to be somewhat like the girl/woman(?) I want to be by 21, but progress has been slow. I have this vague idea of what I want to do and how to get there but I keep stumbling. I feel like I was a lot more ambitious and hardworking as a kid. Pity, because now I’m old enough to make some of these childhood dreams possibly come true, but I’m not doing anything. 

I’ve been rewatching season 1 of The Mindy Project though, & it is so hilarious. My fave character hands down is Morgan !

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I love Mindy Kaling in the omg- I-wish-I-could-be-her-bestie way. mindy-kaling-quote-confidence-beauty-redefined

Her brand of humour is different from Lena Dunham and Tina Fey’s, but I admire all 3 of them for creating, writing, producing, directing and starring in their own shows. 

I’ve always loved women with ambition and looked up to those who were beautiful, smart and talented, but I never really thought of it as me being a feminist. It seems like no one really knows what it means to be one anyway. To me, it means believing that girls can do anything that guys can too; being supportive of other females when they succeed; giving girls access to education; giving women the salary/position they deserve. It also means that as an individual woman, you should aim for the top and not rely on your partner financially. 

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My friends joked that it wouldn’t seem out of the ordinary if I were to campaign for women’s rights or work for some organisation that deals with giving girls education (Room to Read?), but I don’t know if I feel strongly enough about these issues to be an activist – I mean, I’ve only recently realised that I’m a feminist, if the online quizzes I took and opinions of my friends are to be believed. I know my mum is unabashedly one- but am I? 

If I am, am I not a failed one, because a part of me wishes that I could receive male attention too, just like every normal teen girl out there? Yet I shaved my head, which ‘desexualises’ me…and let’s admit it, though I love it, guys probably don’t. Then again they never noticed me even when I did have hair.

I’m not easily won over by material goods. I wear man-repelling leggings. If I were to be in a relationship, it would be for the emotional benefits (if any) and good conversation – which would probably bore horny young males to death. I see through the ‘forever’ and ‘I love you so much baby’ BS. Yeah, I used to believe in true love – but even then I knew that relationships die, especially when you’re young. 

I stood up for myself and sent the asshole who called me ‘desperate’ a message – why must we girls be made to feel bad about wanting to feel something so basic and human as love? I’ve never dated before and I don’t go around flirting with guys – I just talk about love a lot, and that makes me ‘desperate’.  (YES I’M STILL HOLDING A GRUDGE AGAINST THIS PERSON, A YEAR LATER. SO SUE ME.) tumblr_mdhv8ja1ys1qk82m8o1_1280

It’s a real joke, and it just goes to show how boys sneer at us while simultaneously patting a bro on the back for scoring several numbers/having 2 or 3 girls hanging off his arm.

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I’m not a misandrist, but I do think that a lot of boys need to grow up. & when they do, they need to stop underestimating us women. I want to help girls understand that there are endless opportunities out there for them, and that their looks and bodies don’t define them. Because I’m unfortunate to be surrounded by people whose thoughts can be summed up in this quote from Morgan in TMP : “Feminism nowadays, it’s all about reminding women that they have to be hot, too. It’s like that book Lean In.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be hot. But as Mila Kunis once said, “Funny will get you far. Hot will get you two hours.” Let’s stop making girls feel like they’re worthless just because they don’t fit into a certain mold. Let’s encourage them to be more than just ‘the girl all the guys want’. 

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