Wow, it’s been some time since my last post. Another summer abroad has come & gone. Last year I went to Paris drunk on fantasies of how my life would change and returned sober with the realisation that life isn’t a movie where the protagonist falls in love and discovers herself/the meaning of life over the course of one summer. This year Berlin was pretty much the same, except I didn’t expect as much before going. I was right not to. Yes, I made new friends. Yes, I learnt new things. Yes, I’m pretty sure I can survive on my own (for a few weeks at least). But am I any different?
Every single day I am still plagued by the same thoughts…and what’s worse, I feel their effect on me. I can feel them physically manifesting. I literally feel like an invisible potato. It’s hard for people to understand what it’s like being 21 and feeling nothing like a girl. Not because I think I was born in the wrong body. That would be alright.Thing is, I feel like some genderless entity that is just there, in the eyes of guys at least.
It isn’t because of my short hair.Even with long hair, I was invisible to them. My name doesn’t even come up when people teasingly matchmake others in our little social circles.
I’m gonna try to make the effort to be positive instead of continually moping over the same thing I can’t do shit about. So I’m going to list things that I’m looking forward to/planning to do, and hopefully that will keep me motivated :
- DEC : Perth and YEP to India, possibly?
- SUMMER ’15 : International Internship?
- Get my Goethe-Zertifikat B1
- DALF C1 maybe
- Become a better dancer. Go for more classes. Try a new style. Get Just Dance 2015
- Become a better drummer
Youth really is wasted on the young. I had so many dreams back then and I was so full of zest and ambition….now that I’m actually old enough to make those dreams come true, I’m wasting my time wondering why I’m single.
WAKE UP PEARL YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF TO BECOME SOMEBODY! & then someday you can be the role model you never had. I always imagined my interviews post-success would go a little like this :
Reporter – So, you’ve never even been on a date your whole life?
Me – Yeah. I was always overlooked by all the guys – no one saw me as more than a classmate or a friend, and I felt lousy about myself as a result of that. I would spend a lot of time wondering what I lacked in comparison to all the other girls. & then one day, I decided that I’d had enough. I was sick of being defined by the lack of male attention I received. I always believed in putting my career first, but I never took more than baby steps. The minute I decided to give it my all, things changed.
Or something like that. I remember the one time I was ‘asked out’ was when I was in a good place, and consequently good things started happening – I was in the midst of applying to my dream school; interning somewhere I liked and was proud of; being considered to give the valedictory speech; asked to star in a graduate video etc…I’d like to be that satisfied again…to attract more positive things into my life. Gotta keep believing I guess.