I’ll love you while we’re making the most of the night.
Wow, it’s been almost a year since I last blogged…! Not that the end of 2014/first half of 2015 was uneventful or anything, but I guess I just felt like the odd lengthy FB post was enough. & perhaps I didn’t want to keep writing about the same thing over and over again.
But I’m still constantly running. Away from reality. Is it something about this place? I feel so bogged down by negativity. The bored, lifeless faces around me on the train…the constant worries I hear about the future; about jobs…people who are close to me going through depression/dealing with serious issues…the routine of school-work-external classes-meeting friends. In class, I’m just daydreaming most of the time. The only time I pay attention is when it’s Lit. I feel so empty and frustrated that I keep planning my future and googling jobs in cities I want to move to, but I haven’t found anything suitable. I keep thinking that things always change – someone might say something that’ll throw a wrench in the works and make me want to do something else; go somewhere else. So I keep waiting for a sign from the Universe that’ll give me clarity.
Still, there’s the underlying guilt that leaving is an option for the privileged – leaving and being able to live comfortably elsewhere. Of course anyone could buy a one-way ticket to chase their dreams and work hard from the bottom. Those are the people who usually end up successful, and I admire them so much. But I don’t know if I have the ability to do that, & so I’m going to need a little help starting out. I stayed here for the past 3 years, as promised, and so in turn, mum has agreed to finally let me go/support me (at least in the beginning). To what extent, I don’t know. I know I look like a lazyass since my grades suck and no one ever sees me studying, but I’m willing to work hard if I feel like there’s a purpose. Just need constant motivation, I suppose.
I know that I want to write. And dance. And help people. And meet lots of people. And travel. I want to speak their languages and immerse myself in their culture. But what kind of job would allow me to do all of that?
& everyday there’s just so much tragedy in the news and unhappiness in the lives around me that I start to trivialise my own sadness. I tell myself that my own problems aren’t really problems, and that I don’t deserve to feel sad. It exhausts me, because I want to be strong and happy, especially when the world doesn’t need another sad soul. I don’t think that I’m the nicest person around, but I keep wanting to give. Like, I keep thinking, maybe I can absorb all this pain and shoulder the burdens of others. Let me take it all. Let me just be nice to people and love others without expecting anything in return. Let me listen to them and be there for them.
But I don’t think I’m that noble. I certainly haven’t done enough. I need to keep reminding myself to stay on track. Don’t be all talk and no action. Sometimes I slip up, distracted by my personal desires, but then someone asks me what I want to do and I’m reminded again of what my ultimate goal should be. I really believe that everything happens for a reason, and that seemingly inconsequential things lead you to where you’re supposed to be in the end. So let’s wait and see.