Flying like a cannonball, falling to the earth

Something’s been plaguing me the past couple of weeks but I talked to my newfound insta-girlfriend about it & realised that she had the exact same feelings too. Basically, that we’re all just a bunch of confused people who don’t know what we want and what we’re supposed to do. Like how I always tell people “I kinda know what I want to do with my life, but then there’s so many things I wanna do that I don’t really know, y’know?”. Does anyone ever have everything all figured out? Even at 50, you could decide that you need a change. & then you’ll have to start racking your brains for ways to assign meaning to life after 50. Everything’s different- the experiences you’ve accumulated over the past half-century would’ve helped shape who you are, but who are you becoming? Who do you want to be for the next half-century (or at least the next 2 decades or so)?

Sometimes I realise that I switch my opinions on things really easily. Flipping through my diary entries and reading old blog posts from about 3 years ago, I get the sense that I’m anti-marriage, almost. Choice quotes : “DON’T GET MARRIED UNLESS YOU’RE 10000% SURE!” – yes, I actually wrote 10 000%.  “Is there even a point? It’s just paperwork. & if you decide to divorce it’s going to be messy.” “Just watched Four Weddings & a Funeral and there was a quote about how marriage is the definitive icebreaker. Which is true. And sad.” & so on.

& then sometimes I envy people who have been assigned the label of ‘wife’. I think there’s something nice about building a life together with someone. I look at kids and think about how it must feel to be a mum. How noble…how beautiful.

Like yesterday at Kino I was browsing through this wedding planner book with Rebs as a joke, and cooed over the pretty decorations. But then today my dad told me a few stories about unhappy marriages/ppl who get married for practical reasons like money and companionship, not love – and I was like, “And that is why I don’t believe in marriage.”

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Lately I’ve also been doing this funny thing where I try to be vague about my sexual orientation, for no apparent reason. Not that I see a need to identify as one thing or another, really. Not that anyone cares, I think…but I can’t explain it. It’s almost as though I know I want to be with a guy, but then since I don’t ever have much luck in that department, I would feel happier if people thought that I was into girls instead. Like, see there’s nothing wrong with me. I just prefer girls, that’s all. It’s my choice.  But the truth is that I don’t, although sometimes I briefly wonder if I should try – it’s not like I’m not attracted to girls at all. & then I just get really confused and decide to let things be as they are.

& I’m supposed to be a humanist/pretty-much-an-atheist but I strongly believe in Fate and stuff… I also realised that if I just replace the word “Universe”  in my thoughts with the word “God”, I’m essentially praying, aren’t I?

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I’ve also decided (not for the first time) to try adopting a more minimalist lifestyle. This time I’m gonna be a little more serious about it. The clutter around my desk and in my wardrobe is seriously starting to overwhelm me. Living out of a suitcase and being all Shailene Woodley-esque sounds very appealing right about now. If I simplify my life, things won’t be so confusing. I think money is better spent on experiences instead of material objects anyway…though I have to admit I still lust after pretty clothes and unnecessary stuff. Ah well. One step at a time.

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