I’m drowning shadows once more

16 days into the new year and I’ve not made much progress…filed for graduation yesterday, which makes things feel that much more final . This chapter of my life is ending, and maybe that’s why I feel so lost right now. I know it’s supposedly normal, but I never wanted normal. And I always had a plan. But now I don’t. Because last time there was always the next stepping stone to hop onto, the next thing to aim for – and now it’s just this vague idea that I need to “get a job”, “grow up”.

There are so many things I would love to do, but I’ve never admitted some of my crazy ambitions to anyone because I’m afraid. It’s the same old fear of never ever being good enough. So I sit there, wondering if I’ll ever be able to pursue that career and secretly googling how to break into that industry…who knows, really. Sometimes people don’t end up realising their true passion till later in life, and they still make it, y’know?

I know I’ve never been very kind to myself. So that night, I decided to tell myself, “you are worthy of being loved”. And it just felt so foreign that I started crying as I repeated it over and over again. As though I’ve never believed it before. I’ve had a lot of “me time” lately, not out of my own volition. So I think maybe the Universe is trying to tell me something. That I need to be alone, even if I don’t want to, so that I can figure things out.

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That day I just spontaneously went into Botanic Gardens for a little stroll, after mum told me that I really needed to chill and be by myself, free of external voices and opinions. There I wandered about aimlessly, looking at the trees and the pond, telling myself that this too would pass.

I don’t really get it- I know how to be alone. I’ve eaten alone, watched movies and gigs alone, travelled alone…I don’t need to learn how to do those things.  & yet the Universe insists on things continuing as they are. Perhaps it knows that as used to it as I am, there’s still a yearning inside of me to have company, & specific company at that. It’s the same wherever I am in the world, however many years have gone by. 

& I keep trying to fix it, like it’s a problem. I analyse. I write things down, come up with reasons and solutions. I try to figure out what other people seem to be doing right, & I attempt to learn from them. But luck, timing and a ton of other factors play a huge part, and no amount of theorising will solve anything.

I have always been an impatient person. I rush through things. When I was a kid, I’d finish my assignments quickly. I  tend to want to drum fast, drive fast…walk fast. I always assume that things should happen instantly, and if they don’t, I tell myself that they’re never happening so that I don’t get so disappointed. I feel this need to know what’s going to happen next, when, and how it’s all going to end. But the faster you go, the more likely you are to crash and burn. I’m aware of this.

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I also tend to get over-excited about things. And then it all just kinda blows up in my face and I end up back where I was, only slightly more bruised and battered this time. Weary. Wondering why it’s always the same story…worse, why it’s always a story that never gets written or is abruptly cut off a few pages in.

It’s not too late for me to change, I hope. It’s only mid-January…or should the word be already ? You know, like how sometimes people say “don’t worry, you’re only 23″ and I’m like, “that is a harmful thing to say. I’m already 23. The word ‘only’ lulls me into this false sense of security, this illusion that I still have a lot of time, but I don’t.” Even when I was 18 I’d be like, I’m old and ancient. Which is kinda funny, looking back…and makes me seem like a total Marnie (Girls reference).

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Not a good thing, since she’s supposedly the most-hated character on the show. I totally do not want to be like any of the Girls – they’re so messed up, though I can relate to them in certain ways.

 

 

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