all of the doubts & the outbursts keep making love to each other

Never liked Selena Gomez all that much, but I must say that her latest album has tons of catchy songs perfect for a confidence boost. Or whenever you’re in that kinda mood. 

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Not gonna go all Carrie Bradshaw on anyone, even if Rebs always jokes that I’m a lot like her. Just been thinking about how us girls are often damned if we do, and damned if we don’t, which is very unfair in my opinion.

I used to slut-shame people a lot when I was younger. I had friends who had their first sexual experiences pretty early on in life, and adults would usually tut and remind me that they were making mistakes, ‘bad girls’ etc…so I guess I adopted a slight holier-than-thou attitude. Not that I was necessarily pure or innocent. I just gave people that impression. So much so that my friends, in the midst of recounting endeavors or even just bringing up the topic of sex, would ask if I was uncomfortable. 

I’m not religious, and I’m no prude. Yes, at this point in time last year I hadn’t even held a guy’s hand or so much as kissed him. Barely even went on a real date. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to. And that’s what I mean by how we’re judged, as girls. Virgin-shaming is a thing as well. I didn’t ask to have limited experience; to be a late bloomer. 

I may have written about this years ago, but my standpoint remains the same : if you feel like you’re ready (emotionally, physically, whatever), do whatever you want. I mean, as long as you’re old enough. I personally wasn’t anywhere near ready to date or go further at 18, but that’s a pretty good age, right? Standard.

Stop thinking about what I want what he wants what your parents want What do you want

I don’t like the idea of saving myself for marriage, and I candidly spoke about it to my mum the other day ( yes, we are that close). I am pretty certain most of us will end up marrying (if we even want to) guys who have slept with a few people. Why is it that we have to treat virginity as some kind of special gift to bestow upon that one person? He didn’t wait for you. Why should you? Just because you’re a woman and society tells you that’s the right thing to do? Because it’ll save you from becoming way too emotionally attached and ending up with a broken heart? (Mum agreed with me, by the way)

There isn’t a way to avoid that. You could still find yourself choking back sobs over someone you never dated, let alone slept with. Years later, this Chosen One could leave you, and hollow-eyed and devastated, you’d have to learn to pick up the pieces on your own. You can’t get angry at him for anything. You made the decision to build ‘the first time’ up into something of great importance. 

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I’ve had to ask myself lately what I really want. And honestly, I have no goddamn clue. All along I thought that I wanted my soulmate. Then I just asked the Universe for something real. Now I tell myself I’m fine with being casual and not having labels. What a far cry from who I used to be, huh. 

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But let me tell you one thing – whatever I choose to do, I do it fully aware of the consequences. I do it sober. I do it knowing that I will not have regrets. I do it because I genuinely want to, not because someone is forcing me to or because society is giving me some sort of invisible pressure. 

It does not mean that I will not make mistakes. I’m the kind of person who would give my all to someone. Sometimes these people may not be deserving of that kind of treatment. Sometimes I give people one  chance too many. But then I learn. I tell myself that someday, someday, someone will take it. Take this love and thank me for it. Till then I’ll be busy earning the necessary cuts and bruises life loves doling out.   

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