I thought I was a hero, but I was just a child.

5 months since my last post and a few half-complete drafts on different topics…so much has happened and some things have changed, yet a lot remains the same.

Was just reading some old blog posts again, trying to figure out if I’ve grown up a little. I think so. I’m glad. But in the same way a former fat kid never really forgets the way he was made to feel (& here I’m only going on the sentiments echoed by certain people, it may not be the case for everyone), I feel the same sense of envy and insecurity wash over me when I see/hear about certain girls. I still inwardly flinch whenever people talk about their past, and secretly hope that they will stop. I still feel like an outsider who has only been granted temporary access to this world I know nothing about. I still feel like at any time, I could slip up and end up back at the beginning.

The past few years, I kind of gave up on my childhood dreams. I figured I could afford to try again, and so this past weekend I auditioned for 98.7 Star, something I’d always wanted to do. I’m really hoping they’ll bring me back for the Wildcard round, since my group had the ‘highest chance’ of returning. I know I can do this. I will need some training, but still. In any case there are probably other auditions/competitions to try out for, and I’ll slowly work on getting there.

I’ll be graduating this Friday, which means I can’t say “I’m a student” anymore to get discounts or avoid overpaying for certain services etc…and I need to buck up and be more serious about everything. This is the real world, and I’ve cruised by with only a few stumbles here and there (maybe a large fall too, but nothing I haven’t recovered from), but now I’m not gonna be protected anymore.

In many ways, I am so lucky. Sometimes I don’t see that, and I focus on things that I don’t have and get upset. So I guess that’s why people think I’m spoiled, even though I never really ask for a lot of things. I think the problem is that I’m constantly comparing. I’ve been doing it ever since I was a kid. But I’m working on it. Staying away from social media more. Avoiding topics I know would only unleash those demons. Sharing less about myself too.

Again, all these terrible things are happening around the world, and you can’t be anyone’s hero if you’re too busy fighting your own self.

 

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